azaan

i like the turkish style azaan

moving on?

baby boy started walking this week. within 3 days he's gone from 4 steps to round and round the room. jaw dropping. little girl is pulling herself to standing and walking round the furniture. they both babble.

thought butterfly was dying the other day from choking, but alhamdulillah, she had recovered by the time paramedic got here. might have been bad reflux incident as it looked like she was starting up again whilst he was here, but her airways were clear. i did find a bit of paper that came out the other end though. i guess we'll not know for sure, but thank God she's ok.

still tiny. still causing a stir at the pediatric follow ups. but ok!!
moth has been discharged. he's 4lbs plus bigger and they're not fussed about him anymore.

have to say months 11 to 13 were pretty chronic in terms of parenting, but God willing it's settled down again now. it was a combo of them rejecting pacifiers (aka my nipple break) outright and teething that just about pushed me over the edge!!! i did wonder if butterfly would gain suddenly once they were ditched, but she didn't (phew) so i was using them 'responsibly' after all. lol.

thinking of picking up counsellor training again/ pursuing lactation consultancy. mostly for my own satisfaction, but also i like working towards something that will pay when the children are older but still fit around family life and home ed.

we're kind of in the middle of lots of life changing stuff and not sure how i feel about it all, but one day at a time it will sort itself out regardless.....

Nearly a year...

"My, doesn't time fly" she said, as two little people rambled across the living room floor....

Everything about these babies has been bitter sweet. The last few months have been full of pondering, gratitude, sadness, joy and so much more.

It's a joy to love them to bits.
It's a joy to see their older siblings and Daddy loving them to bits.
And it's true that twins rock our world!!

Moth has 6 teeth, crawls (started with this combat style, elbow-powered worming-his-way-across-the-floor which gave us HOURS of utter delight. we still commiserate that he crawls 'properly' most of the time now) pulls himself to stand and walks around the furniture. He also does a mini hadra at the stairgate and side of the co sleeper. He thinks he can stand on his own, but keeps flopping to his bottom as he attempts this ,)
Teething has gone realllly hard on him. We've had weeks of full on teething misery, but he has those beautiful teeth to show for it and a soft heart and sweet nature (when he's not biting my nipple and scraping his teeth down it. ay)
The other day Butterfly was crying whilst I prayed and he was bouncing on his little legs and waving his hand at her to console her (she was oblivious!)
So tender.

He waves to strangers and claps!? and has those big blue puppy dog eyes. If he smiles you know you've won him over. For now anyway. lol. Mummy milky is still his comfort and joy, though he eats and eats and eats.....but always room for snuggles and milk.

Butterfly is still our delicate, dainty lady. She's so petite, but very strong minded. Most of the time she is delighted to look around and observe from her graceful sitting position. She likes to face out in the carrier to see what's going on. She reminds me of a meer cat the way she turns her head this way and that and sticks her neck up high, brings it down low. So alert and intrigued. Other times she is bum shuffling along, or side winding to get to something that has caught her eye.

She SMILES the most amazing smile mashaAllah. It brings tears to my eyes and amazes me that her early start with needles and regular pain has still resulted in such sunshine!!

No teeth, but she very much likes to eat certain foods, and shakes her head side to side when she means 'no way mummy!' And with that smile she says so much too .D
Mummy milk is the only milk that will do and she checks in regularly, alhamdulillah.

Her big eyes now look more proportionate and one side has a tiny fleck of green in the pool of blue. She is so normal, but with these hints of the extra-ordinary hiding.

It's an every day miracle.

And even for all this incredible joy ~ I am terrrified of ever having multiples again!!!!!!!

slowing down

i'm definitely slowing down on the blogging again. as the babies get busier i can't switch off and veg at something else without standing up to check them every 30 seconds. moth is all over the place. butterfly is staying put, but has a wide ranging swipe that catches more than i realise she can get hold of.


we've baby proofed one side of the living space, but i still can't switch off for a moment. moth can also climb out of the side cot. aaagh. this is fun!?!
.))

it's noticeably different with two now they are mobile. adorable and driving me potty all at the same time!!

doc appointment went well and he's said that i can keep on going gently with butterfly's solid intake. there is one possible condition that we might get follow up on, but insha'Allah it won't be that and we'll have eliminated yet another possible problem. it seems like she skims the edge of 'normal' in many areas to keep us on our toes. but she's dancing and laughing at our concern inside!!

i think i'm more exhausted now than i was in the beginning. i can't believe how fast it has flown by. i'm grateful for them every single day.

multi blogging

i never understood why people kept blogs for different parts of their lives. i mean, we're all one package, for all our different interests, right!?

yes, but wrong that i can swing from one area to another in this one space!! it's most definitely my twinnies place here. i've started somewhere else with the home ed stuff and think i might also do a ME ME ME space. just to keep track of self care ( a la Surrendered Wife)

so there ,)

anyway, here has been quiet whilst i traumatised myself with worrying about the babies again. low weight. yawn. we see the docs next week, so was having my usual month long panic leading up to that.

we decided to try introducing one bottle of goats milk formula to see how much difference it would make. butterfly refused it after having 50mls the first day, but moth has taken to it. i'm still upset about this. lol. he hasn't had it everyday, but just 100mls seemed to make a big difference. there's an extra half pound between them now. he's also increased his solids however, so it's not conclusive evidence, but at the least it has taken the pressure off me expressing to top up. i did start out expressing as well, but then he drinks from me and has anything else he's offered too!! whereas butterfly took 70mls yesterday after delaying a feed from me and then wouldn't have anything else. so, she's just not hungry for more and he will eat and eat and eat!
constipation kicked in awfully for butterfly with solids and we're walking a horrible balance between giving her tiny amounts and her being ok, to just a bit too much and she's horribly constipated again.

they are both enjoying floravital now: 5-10 mls a day, so i'm happy they are getting an easily absorbable iron boost, and it does seem to make butterfly able to tolerate more solids than she could before, even though this is still a teeny tiny amount.

anyway, the extra bit of bottle is the compromise to try and balance babies, home ed and my health. like a friend keeps saying, something has to suffer unless balance is found.


happy news - moth is 'talking', he pulled himself up the other day. both babies need plenty of floor time to move about in their varying ways (butterfly is a gymnast in the making doing mini bridges.lol): babyproofing with four bigger children is an ongoing work!!!

natural cleaning

lots of tips here

EFT

native deen

and he's rolling.....

we had our first back to tummy roll from moth this morning, reaching out to mummy .))

i'm still fretful about the weight gain, but taking one day at a time which is all i can do! i have to say that the pressure, mostly internal in fact, to see them grow, has given me formula feeding thoughts a thousand times over since they were born. just to know i'm not harming them by insisting on b'milk alone. although my inner angst is obviously within my field of influence, i can't help but feel sad and disappointed that we live in a bottle influenced culture.

anyway, this week i'm expressing more frequently with a view to give some top up ebm (after a feed) in the morning for a week or so and see if it makes any difference. at the least, i will have enough milk for three ,P

babies are having a new remedy this month too which seems to address ALL their ongoing issues (weight, reflux, possible anaemia from prematurity, slow milestones in butterfly) and it seems to have changed them already. butterfly's face even looks older. moth is less anxious for full on mummy presence and very mellow.

i've been taking a surrendered wife seminar and it is fantastic. really life changing. check it out!! would like to blog more on that at some point......

big three are going to be having 3 hours of tutoring a week in maths. this has soooo many benefits to it: children learn something with someone they love and respect, get other adult input in their lives, panther gets some precious mummy and daddy time to herself (with babies, but ykwim), husband and wife get some long needed time alone (with just three children. that's alone thesedays ,P ) to go places and take walks where we're not constantly interrupted and refocus our togetherness.

i'm surrendering to knowing my limits and expressing them .))

The Little Red Hen

sunny days

...are here again!

water of life

subhanAllah - this has so much correlation to Islamic teaching.

and the boy is........

SITTING UP!!!!!

7 months

moth blew raspberries on me yesterday - it had everyone, including him, in hysterics .))
he was lying up against me after a feed and started his attempts. it wasn't long before we realised they were deliberate. sooo cute mashaAllah. he's also started to bounce in a bouncer which will give me a few minutes hands free. yay. and he's starting to support himself a little in a sitting position.
he does not like to be on his tummy, but enjoys turning toys over in his hands and putting everything in his mouth. we're still waiting for the elusive tooth that his grumbling screaminess and saliva seem to indicate is on it's way (or are on their way)
he's chubbily wubbily delightful and very easy going so long as he can see someone to talk to and have milk on tap.

butterfly is quite serious, but bursts into the sweetest smiles ever when she's comfortable and entertained by someone. she still has reflux which is bothering her. we've had success with homeopathy, but it's not holding for long - we have to keep repeating the remedies at close intervals.
butterfly loves to see what's going on!!! she's curious and intrigued by everything. when we go out she's not interested in milk; she doesn't want to miss a beat. she loves to bounce and be carried on our backs - also the best place to fall asleep ,)
we don't think she's going to develop in the way we're used to. it might be she has overall developmental delays, or it might be something specific. it might be nothing. sometimes she seems to be off with the angels. other times she's a bright and sparkly girl who is 100% with us......we'll have to see what the coming months bring. i know i was worried about her sight and that came to nothing, but there's something in her eyes that shows she's special.

we are loving them so much; enjoying them grow into unique little beings who teach us every day.

loving

my heart could just split from loving these children. it's so raw. i mean that in an alive, vital kind of way as much as raw pain. just how can you express motherhood and do it any justice without being it with your whole being. raaah. how could there ever be too many children to love. never. to have that love extend to all humanity. wow.

geocaching

and today we found a new walk and an abundance of nettles.
so guess what we're eating for tea inshaAllah.......

ooo, plus had hosp. appointment this am and after initial 'Concern' the doctor was satisfied butterfly is ok with her weight. all 10lbs1oz of it this week ,P
she is VERY active, very alert and 'chubby' despite her low weight, so they're convinced i'm not starving her after all!!! we go back in 3 months. moth has a really yellow skin tone which the doctor commented on, but inshaAllah he takes after my colouring and it's nothing to panic over as the whites of his eyes are still white.

reading miss rumphius this week.

mike mulligan last week.

and i'm having a silly calling to be a midwife again. it's so not my field. blood and stuff. NHS training. eugh. yuck. i wish the thought would vanish. lol.

storynory

storynory - free downloads for children's stories.

moth

moth weighs 10lb15oz - less than i expected too, and also dropping from his chart average. sigh. it's not nice to have to do these weigh ins .((

we have their six month follow up on the 15th so i'm obviously in a panic already about this!! and i can't stop writing letters of complaint in my head about the things i am unhappy about, especially with Outreach in hindsight.....we'll see. i need to get it down on paper to let go and hope that other families might not be so intimidated to speak their truth, or if we were there again that things would be clearer from the start inshaAllah.

i've told my sister she can have the triplets though ,P
(her grandma is an identical twin (we have diff. fathers) so we're banking on at least one identical set from her a well as frats. from our mothers side. lol)

6 months

or thereabouts. can you believe it!!?

butterfly weighed in at all of 9lbs and 10oz this week. She's down to the 0.2 centile, but the health visitor was lovely. she reassured me that the pox would have caused her to lose weight whilst healing and that she has more than doubled her birthweight (which is the way they used to measure weight gain before the charts).....even so, it's still bizarre my sweet butterfly weighs less now than many babies do when they're born.
and i still have to get past 'go' at this months hospital appointment without being floored again....

I didn't weigh moth yet.
he's teething.S

they are both stopping nursing whenever something more interesting is happening around them. remember that (annoying) delightful phase.
i love to see milky smiles .))

sunshine is doing its healing thing for our souls today.

chicken pops

yep, we have chicken pops. butterfly all healed, but the other 5 all got spotty yesterday..........

The Story of Ping week overview

Ok, so this is what I'm intending ish:


Islamic saying:
Seek knowledge even if it be in China.

Monday: Geography
put map up on wall to find China
read books on China; culture and lifestyle

Tuesday: Language
once upon a time
The Mirror AA Milne; older ones copy out and illustrate

Wednesday: Art
pencil colour drawings; boat
draw water marks to show movement

Thursday: Maths
counting family of ducks
cooking a chinese meal. yum.

Friday: General Interest
birds

I love mindmaps. Would like to do some of those with children too. Can't wait until they are reading and writing more fluently now. Also would like to do a butterfly lapbook. Haven't decided whether or not to draw one up for The Story of Ping. Will see how they warm to the story and subject.

FIAR plans

okay, so a little about home ed here. lol. if i write it down i might do it ,P

i got the FIAR volume one last week (with superquick delivery from conquest books i might add!!!) and feel really motivated by the scheme. it's written in such a way that it flows pretty naturally to the way we home ed anyway, but taking it a little further and giving me some focus that i feel we all need right now. yes, i always feel that. yes, i hate to read back over my years of blogging. lol. eugh. same old lines. but anyway.

to go off on a kind of tangent, because those are comfortable to me too! after mulching about in my mind for years i think i might finally have accepted eclecticness as part of my build/ mindset/furniture and glasses. it's okay! thanks to q and sal for last little bit of settling me into this.........

can't remember much of what we did last week because my memory is like ______________
that!! so hopefully blogging ahead of myself will be more constructive .))

butterfly's spots are crusting over and she's proved herself to be a brave little warrior in hardship masha Allah (that she had proven one hundred times over in scbu anyway, but...). beautiful smiles, sweeter than honey. moth has been off, but no spots as yet...

ok, i've remembered some things from last week:

frog enjoying the boys doodle book. it's totally caught his imagination mashaAllah, proving interesting insight .))

been reading a book on childhood memories and liking the author generally. he's christian and speaks of 'traditional' ways, so it's not going to be one for radical unschoolers probably ,P

finally knitted one side of a jumper started years ago.

moved rooms around and ordered some chest of drawers so should be looking more 'put away' and presentable inshaAllah upstairs.

yep, more of the same old, same old!!!!

actual home ed stuff will have to wait now!!!!!!! it's okay, i've mind mapped it though ,)

arabic

just started an arabic gcse course at short notice. not ideal timing on the face of it, but perfect too because it's happening now. left defrosted b'milk but managed to be back within 90mins and both babies lasted that duration without milk. subhanAllah!

felt sooooo good to go out and have some focus out of the home. i like the teacher, it's relaxed and inshaAllah we'll be learning some arabic then .))

butterfly has many blisters appearing. i spent all lesson holding and checking my mobile phone (discreetly. lol) to see if dh was calling and felt very 'scbu'ish to be walking out on them. but good to come home and feel totally fulfilled and refreshed.

have bought the first module of FIAR to try with girls. i've looked at so many curriculums over the years and this is one which has popped up over and over. i already have some of the books, so will see what's it's like.

reading a lot more books atm rather than internet surfing somewhat aimlessly. it's much more constructive for me to hold paper and read than look at a screen.

buzz buzz buzz

5 months

babies are 5 months now. in some ways that seems so short. in other ways it's been looong months.

the children play it out.
remembering the impact it's had on us all.

i still haven't been able to put it all in writing in any kind of order. i want to say thank you to a handful of people, but in my style i also want to write an essay with quotes about why the scbu 'care' isn't acceptable to parent and child.

i hope i'll do it inshaAllah. i don't think i'll be able to move past it proper until i've aired my thoughts and feelings - for our family and for all the others who pass through those doors.

had other stuff to write tonight, but this is what has flowed instead.

also discovered today there are a pile of twins and a set of trips in my husband's side of the family. so, as well as my great grandma being a twin we might have had an idea multiples would happen. actually, i did have that idea even without knowing family history. from the first pregnancy i always said 'i wonder if it's twins'. fourth time round i was pretty certain (but she wasn't a twin by the time we saw a scan) never occurred to me with baby miscarried.
i hope my triplet worry and all the 'triplets next' comments i've been getting isn't a taste of what's to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ouch. i guarantee you i'll be begging God to get past the need for the scbu at any rate............

Now we're talking.....and giggling!

Babies had their first conversation.
Awwww - they've found each other.
Moth has been chatting to Butterfly for a while now, but she tends to just try and stare him out ,)) or look haughtily away from him. giggle. but now she has finally spoken a gurgle back to him, and how happy he was masha Allah!!! it's totally delightful.


edit: i guess this means she is, indeed, seeing, and the google eyes are just 'lazy'

And Frog got a giggle out of Moth yesterday (doing a completely insane head banging type of thing!?!)

This is the very nice bit .D

old family shadow pic

this is about the first picture i ever took with my camera. nostalgic. can still remember how i felt, how the day was. it was beautiful and we were just on the brow of a small hill when i told them all STOP and clicked before they all shot off into the sunshine and still-crisp breeze.

love

the boy has found his thumb (just toooooo cute mashaAllah) and the girl doesn't want to be put down (umm, nice in it's own kind of way ,P as I feel like we're still making up for the cuddles missed when she was 'inside' (incubator))

i'm in LOVE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


really trying to pay attention to where everyone is emotionally. it's hard work! and i can't always intercept their pains/ struggles even when i want to!

i've had a cleaner (home help as i prefer to call her .D ) come in a few times now and she's helping to declutter and find places for everything. it's nice and humiliating all at the same time. i'm worried i'm getting a home help dependency though. eeek. i want her to stay and stay and stay. LOL.

home ed report is in (only 1.5 months late) so praying the la man accepts it without follow up. amin.

went out and about for the first time in 8 seater on my own with children today. felt good.

really, i'm so in love with these people it hurts.
love hurts. it pushes your heart and streeeetches into every little corner, nook and cranny.
a blissful kind of pain.

Weaving

three month check at hospital

Well, babies weighed just over 7 and 9 pounds. They are still saying Butterfly is small, but I feel better able to assert that she is a perfectly normal size for our family, and she is following her own curve of growth just fine. Moth has funny breathing and always sounds blocked, and the doctor pointed out he has very narrow nasal pasageways which is what is causing this. I am reassured on this point, and found it quite funny almost, ( um, weird sense of humour!?!), but it should settle as he grows bigger insha'Allah.....

and Butterfly and her sight, well, it's still within normal responses apparently.......which I'm sort of relieved to hear, but a bit begrudgingly because I remember asking them to check her bilirubin levels over a 24 hour period in the scbu, and they didn't, just kept saying she looked fine ( she was SO YELLOW again that I could see it ), and then it hit crisis where they nearly gave her a transfusion. Bleurgh. So, why when I WANT follow up and reassurance do they poof me away I ask!!!!?!
I hope this time they are right anyway.....we'll be following it up, and tbh, I'll be looking for sight tests at an early age for her even if it does calm down over the next months. I've got three in glasses already, one of whom has quarterly follow ups for a 'lazy eye', so the likelihood is that the three younger ones will be needing some kind of support.

We go back in three months...

NICU/SCBU trouble

This kind of article still makes me feel sick and my skin crawl .((

Appointment at hospital again tomorrow that I'm dreading. Just another weigh in and general assessment I think, but Butterfly seems to have something called strabismus, which I've self diagnosed, but it's not difficult in this case because it's so visual!! ( this is such an ironic statement!) I've been worried since she came home that she can't see, but this week it's had the added twist that her eyes are just all over the place. I think it's the left one that is most struggling. Anyway, we'll see. Aaagh. Don;t we take language. and sight. for granted. Subhan'Allah. My little baby.'(

Car is out of order too, so it's all walk, walk, walk. I'm exhausted!

And nice ending: friend had her baby, 36+5 weeks, in the hospital. Drug free and...............

..............IT'S A GIRL

.D

Oh, and I've taken on Celeste's mantra 'everything is easy.'
Thank you Celeste for sharing your journey on the level that you do .))

picnik photoshop thingy

discovered picnik today. don't know much about what to do with it, but....

bee lifecycle

quick cakes

we don't use a microwave, but thinking of trying to adjust for quick over cakes!?

Hmmm

Ok, I never can think of useful titles!! I'm still finding it so, so, so sad that my babies arrived early. Call it an obsession. Shrug. I'll leave it as calling it grieving for the time being.

When my little ones were in their carseats for the first time taking the carseat test which was one last step on the way home, I had to try and find things to do. It was for an hour and a half. I first watched them, almost stopping breathing myself in angst that they would set off those AWFUL monitors and beep me into despair. Seriously, it is just so AWFUL in that place, and I can't relate to mothers who get through it by thinking their baby/ babies are in the best place. It's a hellish place, really.
Anyway, then I went to express, because that was always one thing that made me feel connected to my babies needs in the strongest way during their stay. So, I pumped. ( and these words just make my stomach churn, you know. still) and then I came back and watched. and then went to the bathroom. and then watched and willed with all my prayerfulness, that pleeeeease let them pass this. and then I wrote a poem.

Ripped out
Tattered shreds
Full of dread

I'm scared to look in my eyes -
To meet anyone's innermost soul
Lest they see me
The Abyss
The shell of a mother
All emptied
Chasms of pain

My hearts ache
Are broken
I have hearts I didn't know were possible
But love is from The One
Love
Our hearts are but specks
Like dandelion seeds dancing on the breeze
My scattered hearts direct me to Sea

Occult solicitude
Hidden Kindness
O Gentle; I will raise them well
My God
I return prostrate.

Something cannot be filled
Which isn't empty.


and then I watched a lifesupport dvd and imagined having to breathe into my babies. naudhobillah. just a heavy, heavy time. how can you ever truly get over having had to leave your child.

My home!

I'm working on it, right ,)

Felt Square inspiration.

Felt Square inspiration flickr group.

I'm stuck one handed mainly balancing/ nursing babes, but obviously not got in way of wasting my time surfing net.

outreach awaaaaay.

No more outreach - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- she's put on another 100gms which makes a good average and has brought her up to just about 6lbs. She's fat now masha'Allah; and survived a fall on Monday. Off the setteee from someone's chest, and it wasn't mine thank God ,) but I did nearly roll her off my lap later in the day which made for rather frazzled nerves all round.eeek


Next stop: hip clinic.

Really, it's a saga.

Baby backwrap.

Baby backwrap carry.

Looking for ways to make life easier!!

I got a second hand one of these , uk version, two days ago and it is really great actually, mashaAllah. I can even top to tail them atm. Am going to try it for tonight I think too, because I have to try and get some more sleep.

100 gms!

YES!!!!

Growing pains.

Well, the boy is now 7lbs2oz and the girl only made 20g in four days. Waaaah. Not the relief I was hoping for at all. We weigh in again on Thursday.....I've topped up with two bottles of EBM yesterday and she managed 25ml with her Dad and 15ml with me. B'feeding so much easier, but I'm needing to see some quantifiable amount of b'milk visibly go on. Sigh. I cannot believe how crushed my confidence has been by the system. Why 20g is okay this week but 30g over a shorter period of time was a crisis that they threatened me with rehospitalisation over.

This one lady is obviously still on the pnd rampage against me. Feel so stiff in front of her now, which will make her more dubious probably, but smiles don't grace me easily I'm afraid. Unless I'm feeling relaxed of course ,)

Oh bunkle wunkles.

Feeding solo.

Well, can you believe it, Butterfly is now 5lbs9oz. And has worn her first washable nappy ,)
I'm still seeing her as 3lbs unfortunately, fragile little bless her, can't afford to take any risks with feeding. However, she pulled her tube out not ten minutes after the outreach worker left and we are feeding solo. AAAAAAAGGHHHH. That is a cry of fear; not joy as it should be. All the intervention has so left it's mark. Hoping I can trust we will get through the next few days with a great weight gain to finally lay the tube to rest insha'Allah......but watch this space for any panic and reinstatement of NGT.

Some reminders of our time in hospital:

edit: had to add it's Moth on the left and Butterfly on the right.
Not that I'm paranoid about being unfair or anything ,))

Wearing two

For you Gill. Ah ha - I look in my crystal ball and you're feeling broody with twins on the horizon ,D

Babywearing photogallery multiples.

There are two hidden in there, honest, just nicely tucked away. Unlike the laundry in the background which s p r a wls all over the place. What a weight they were though - I couldn't take it for more than 5 minutes without sitting down. lol. I hope when they are a bit stronger it will be easier even though they are heavier, kwim?
Am actually mainly too busy b'feeding and changing nappies between them (and then dashing to do a quick 5 minute job before the next round) to try out any other carries.

Babywearing instructions

Excellent babywearing pdf.

Thank you gypsy mama!

Generosity

Allah’s Generosity is connected to gratitude, and gratitude is linked to increase in His generosity. The generosity of Allah will not stop increasing unless the gratitude of the servant ceases. [Ali ibn Abu Talib]

Buggies emotionally impoverished!

Well, duh .))

Turkish qasida.

The background to the qasidah is a kind of dhikr.

More peaceful, phew.

Well, I took some staphysagria because I've felt so, so invaded and violated these last 6 weeks. I was putting off taking any remedies because I was worried they'd make me feel MORE of whatever I was trying to deal with. Sometimes homeopathy aggravates before healing and letting go, so I was just worried I'd have an outburst on someone. LOL.

Anyhow, because I was getting to a frustrated bursting point anyway, I thought I may as well go ahead and take them. Hehe. So, after staph I went on to ignatia. The headache I had was an ignatia headache, and I was obviously emotionally in that place too. After around 4/5 doses I feel so, so, so much better and like I've sacked off all the stuff that was starting to weigh me down too much. Headache gone and I'm feeling chirpy .D

The pressure of people telling me I'm feeling something that I'm not, and making me doubt what I perceive in my mind/body, just grates. My husband, ( who is out of the house again btw!!!! by mutual decision), just laughed and said 'you're fine, believe me I know how you are by how much of a hard time you give me' !!!

Anyway it was funny for me, and made me realise how nice it is to have a longterm relationship with someone who gets to know you as well as you know yourself and can reflect back what's going on inside for you.

Babies are still seeming to make good progress. We have another weigh in Monday, (which I hate, but has to be accepted), and maybe the pediatrician Wednesday to try and resolve a couple of issues.

Focus of this week is trying to get a better bedtime established again for a bit of space and quiet in the evenings. Well, as much as you get with babies in a house ,))

Not more pressure!

My outreach worker is worried I've got PND and is passing this on to the health visitor. I have a headache since she decided this. Basically, the whole way through the pregnancy and afterwards it's been like everyone assumed:
I wouldn't have a full term vaginal birth
I won't be able to breastfeed
I won't be able to cope with
- home ed
- 6 children
- twins

etc etc....
I want to just say, 'look people, go away and worry about your own lives'!!!!!

So, I didn't go full term. Apparently I'm not allowed to express any dissatifaction with this and our NICU stay because it indicates PND and requires follow up.

What is depressing is that I don't feel like we're ever going to be out of this scrutiny, kwim!?!
I have too many children, too many 'radical' ideas about how to raise them and question too many standard procedures. Do this and you will be (persecuted) prosecuted. Sigh.

Into the second week...

I'm sad and sorry not to have updated more as we went along. So many ups and downs, but I'll jump in where we are now:

Everything's more settled in terms of family integration amongst siblings. Children's Dad probably going to be back on the scene for a while.
Three of the big children spent last week being sick. I guess it's still not necessarily over yet, but we'll see...

I introduced husband to geo caching and they've been out and about for that a few times, as well as lots of walks on public footpaths and off the beaten track. Frog is particularly enjoying map reading, and it's nice to see a strong interest of his, independent of Tiger. Children are crazy hyper with their Dad around and lots of the routine is also off track, but I guess that's to be expected anyway.
The big three went bird feeder making and found a local nature group to go to once a month. I also subbed them to Nature Detectives and they get a weekly challenge by email. It's great and gives focus to seasonal activities.
We're reading Great Northern and I am so enjoying it .D

Tiger is working through some Read Write Inc which I'm not really impressed with, ( anything that says synthetic bothers me immensely), but seems to keep him entertained. He's working on getting capitals vs lower case sussed in terms of when to use which. Cursive and his fountain pen are turning out to be useful ways to master this.

Frog is reading maps. And bugging his sisters. Perfect 8 year old, I guess.

Bird is screeching a lot and 'telling tales' on her siblings. She's in love with babies for the most part and totally, totally exaggerating how much she is able to do with them! She also declared she's going to leave her babies to cry until they fall asleep, or just stick a pacifier in their mouth to make them quiet/ stick them in a cot!! AAAAAAGH. I told her I hope she doesn't have any if that's how she's going to 'take care' of them...which led onto a discussion about babies' needs and how they can't communicate scared/need cuddle/ hungry/ hot /cold etc...so we have to interpret as best we can and CARE for our babies, not leave them to feel deserted.

She said I can come and look after them then.
HAHAHA. With pleasure!

Panther is bouncing back from feeling jilted and seems to have something of a knack with settling the babies, masha'Allah. She inspects their hands and faces looking at every minute detail; as a Mother is inclined to do.
Phew, one AP daughter there then!?!
She's also been drawing with blocks and sticks some very lovely and vibrant pictures.
She is vibrant and lovely herself; a large kind of matronly figure which belies her 4 years.

Moth is stacking on the weight. He's around 5lbs11oz now and feeding fab, masha'Allah, whilst making the most beautiful noises. He seems quite content and self assured, but gets an uncomfy tummy sometimes. He generally feels 'solid'. He smells YUMMY.))

Butterfly. Ah, my butterfly. Dainty and delicate, quite overwhelmed, furrowed forehead. Still needing her cocoon to grow and find her colours. Panther started this way too. I expect Butterfly will be a match for her once she unfolds a little more, but in the meantime she is slight and requires some steady background to feel secure. She is very in touch aurally; everything noticed.
She's weighing in at around 4lbs9oz now and still needing tops ups by tube.

I am so, so glad to be home.

HOME!!!

THEY ARE HOME!

Kind of suddenly, unexpectedly, did a weigh in this morning and Butterfly had kind of suddenly, unexpectedly made the grade. I can't believe it.

They are currently sleeping.

TWO babies. In my living room.

Bubble over my heart with joy.

TWO babies masha'Allah .D