Ecstatically Attached

Too Cute

2010-04-20T10:36:00.001+02:00

No pictures to show you, but can assure you that two toddlers sitting on a shelf together eating toast is SOOOOO cute masha'Allah .))

So..

2010-04-06T18:15:00.003+02:00

will stay here for a bit to blog about twins.

Butterfly is blooming. I went to see if we could get her some shoes and her width has gone up to an E!!!!!! So much change since she had medorrhinum. She's chunking out in her legs. It's too cute. Her temper is also chunking out though which is a cause for concern .S
She now prays properly, lining her hands and head up in a triangle shape as she prostrates. Precision is one of her qualities. Refinement too I would say. Perfectionism city. Oh dear. That's all too common territory. lol.

Moth keeps being moanfully poorly. Last night he had an awful chesty cough and fed more than hourly. Eeek. Made me appreciate how 4-6 times per night between them is great! He now says 'sock' as he puts one near his foot or tries to pull them off. He's getting golden ringlets as his hair grows. Adorable. They both played outside in the sunshine today and Moth now smells of that fresh air, musty smell in his hair. Mmmmm. Baby smell.

Twins are 90% hard and 10% joy, but the intensity of the joy when they play together (peek a boo), share food, fight ,P and cuddle each other better SOOOOOOO outweighs the difficulties.

Moving

2010-03-25T10:42:00.001+01:00

back here for a bit. Might still blog twinnish stuff here. Not sure yet.

Happiness Project/ Homemaking journal

2010-03-21T13:04:00.001+01:00

http://www.happiness-project.com/

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2008/03/visual-homemaking-journal.html.

Rainbows

2010-03-15T19:11:00.005+01:00

we saw the most amazing rainbows yesterday. i can't tell you how it struck me with awe to watch them. Allah says in Qur'an:

"We will show them Our Signs on the horizon and within themselves until it is clear to them that it is the truth", (Surah Fussilat, 53)

17 Months

2010-03-03T17:26:00.004+01:00

We had the check up for Butterfly's weight gain this morning and she now weighs 14lb10oz.
I have a referral to the dietician now and if she/he deems Butterfly is getting enough calories (yawn ,P) then we move onto genetic testing.

I was intending to go in today and just be passive because all the tension around wanting to voice my complaints about how they were managed in the SCBU is tiring - but guess what!? I ended up voicing those things in part and telling the Dr I believe he was negligent. It felt ok to say all the things I said, I have evidence based research to support all my views, he acknowledged that there are different opinions on management choices and I queried how we get to choose which ones are picked then, when do I get to make an informed parental choice if there are other health professionals who agree with me and the research to back it up???

He has said that we can arrange a meeting and will send me some times when he is available to discuss the issues I raised, but that I can also make an official complaint through the patient liaison services. At 17 months, I'm still sleep deprived, still cross and disappointed, but feel strong enough to make my points and be heard insha'Allah.

So. That is what I'm intending to do. Just need to print off my reasearch papers and make a list of the events I'm questionning. Allah gve me taufiq (success) to follow through and make changes that will benefit other babies, and their parents, who pass through those walls. amin.

Late Afternoon Walk

2010-03-02T23:44:00.002+01:00

and this is what caught my eyes. along with bunnies chasing, birds swooshing, a little girl chatting and a baby girl shrieking at being put in the double buggy. lol. whilst baby boy munched happily on a cracker.

it was freeezing. but we soaked up that vitamin D with pleasure!

The Sun is Shining Today!

2010-03-01T12:35:00.004+01:00

How wonderful. It's like a new energy rushes through me and possibilities open up like a magical path ahead.

Having said that, baby boy has been teething and I've resorted to ibuprofen at 3am to try and get some sleep....and baby girl got hold of some bread with butter on it yesterday. How did I know!? She screamed a lot through the night and wanted to be permanently latched on.

So, a bit of sunshine makes my sleep deficit feel slightly less onerous .))

We've got a new rabbit and on Friday she was introduced to Peter Rabbit. They seemed to get on just fine, no scraps etc....but we may have baby bunnies in a few weeks time .S

Anyway, off to go and enjoy the sunshine whilst it lasts inshaAllah.....

Celebrate Mercy

2010-02-25T21:43:00.001+01:00

Looking forward to this insha'Allah....

www.celebratemercy.com

vitamin D

2010-02-25T20:55:00.000+01:00

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2009/12/hollis.html

Butterfly...

2010-02-23T19:03:00.004+01:00

just fluttering by to say Butterfly is WALKING!!!!!

She had a new remedy recently (after a too-long break from homeopathy) and all of a sudden she's walking, cut two front teeth and her hair seems to be thickening out masha Allah.

oh, and her feet are a size 2: skinny.

Love it .)))

At least I hope not.

2010-02-22T15:08:00.003+01:00

Just nearly burnt some food.

Bird: See, every time you write those emails you burn some food. It's such a distraction.

Me: You're going to be such a fantastic Mummy, Bird. You're learning so much.

Bird: Yes, and I'm not going to be like you. At least I hope not. Because then if I had 3 children my husband will be calling me to come and take the babies and come away from the computer. And that won't be good, will it.

So glad to know I'm teaching her exactly how not to be.

(this is the girl for whom 7am and 3am can be used interchangeably and time and space have no consistency whatsoever. but she's right about sending emails in the middle of cooking ,P )

Relaxation and focus.

2010-02-18T14:43:00.003+01:00

Things have taken a definite twist from what I was expecting, but wonderful things are simmering in the background. I went to Yoga today and am hoping to take two classes a week and get my wasted body sorted out a bit inshaAllah. Feel so graceful, woken up and tall after just the first session!

It's snowing again. Beautiful.

children still scrapping in the background. No change there then ,P

Peter Rabbit has taken up residence under next door's decking. We notified them last night and although the Dad seemed quite cherpy about it (and the cockeral) I'm slightly concerned the Mum might let their dogs loose on him. Lol.

So, now we have new hutches, a Honey Bunny due to move in, and no Peter.
Naughty, bad rabbit. Hehe.

The Stuarts

2010-02-15T19:21:00.004+01:00

The Tudors and Stuarts were one of my favourite historical periods as a child. I regret I don't remember much now, but our local group has an inspired member who has started us on a timeline and the Stuarts are 'It' this month.
Here's a game she posted on the great fire of london.

http://www.fireoflondon.org.uk/

Would be good if I can make a blog post of resources for each time period. We've not participated since the Egyptians but this term should be more involved.

KNITTING!!!!

2010-02-15T16:32:00.002+01:00

Oh, and I can't believe I forgot to tell you this Sj and Laura - my mil came this weekend and I'm KNITTING again .D

(still not following a pattern btw, but have done moss stitch (which was supposed to be ribbed, but I'm not worrying about the finer details as yet!!))

Changing seasons.

2010-02-15T16:12:00.006+01:00

I can't believe it. Twins are sleeping at the same time, three children are painting and one is with Daddy on an errand. Waaah! Free time!?! Free hands anyway. Trying to ignore the washing up/laundry/sorting I need to do .))

We went to the farm last week after a friend tipped us off that children went free for a few days. It was a lovely couple of hours.

Peter Rabbit ran away into the next door garden and we spent until 10.30pm waiting for him to come back so we could chase him into his hutch. The cats are scared to go outside and Piper still behaves like we're trying to torture him if we take him outside!! Poppy is more settled. I've been recommended some pheromone spray that might help them to feel calmer, so will check that out.
The chickens behave so well in comparison ,P and have all started laying again, so we're celebrating fresh eggs.

A very dear friend might be coming to stay with us and settle locally in the next month, so we're all ecstatic about that. Really, really, really excited about the possibilities with them here .)))

There are lots of home ed activities planned for the coming term, we're back into a basics routine now that the home ed room (wow. How amazing to have a space set aside for this. I feel like I'm in America!!) is cleared out and I'm finally feeling like it's ok to be at this new house. We've spent over ten years going from overcrowded place to overcrowded place, with lots of mould, carbon monoxide and a few mice and slugs along the way. We don't deserve this place at all, but we have been graced with it for however long it will be and I'm almost at the point of being able to embrace that without fear it will be taken away as quickly as it appeared.

All I can do is my best to make the most of it and pray Allah bestows barakah upon us in our every moment. AMIN!

So very many 'serendipitous' things have happened recently and I'm grateful and prostrate at the many seasons we experience in our lives.

It's going so fast.

2010-02-07T23:25:00.002+01:00

Our children are currently 10,9,7,5,1,1. I'm all too aware that it's flying by...

found here:
http://www.ebeth.typepad.com/

Break down drama.

2010-02-07T14:26:00.003+01:00

The boys went out with their Dad last night whilst the rest of us had a girlie night in with friends....at 7.30pm they broke down and at 3.45am they got home.
What a night, bless them. It's going to be a long day with very tired boys!!

JW's ii

2010-02-06T00:43:00.003+01:00

So, I've had 98% positive interactions with JW's and all it took was this one woman to affirm the stereotype. It's given me a LOT to ponder!

I think I'm going to try and speak about her to her elders and just explain how her approach made me feel compared to the nice young men who came to the old house. I thoroughly enjoyed our interaction and would welcome them back to chat - they are doing a service to their faith.

What really annoys me is that it's in your own home iyswim.

I wish I was one of those people who could just let go of things that bug me. LOL.

Long day today.

The Big Four

2010-02-03T15:25:00.002+01:00

I know I was going to blog this elsewhere, but here it is, home ed:

The Big Four have been using a gifted old laptop to play CD roms on.
It's not Waldorf, it's not what I'd love for them to be doing....but it gets things learnt and keeps them intrigued. They've been playing World Explorer a great deal and I finally found the other CD's I've been collecting from charity shops for a rainy day when I'm too busy to guide them full on.

They've done a lot of satellite map work which fits with W.E. and navigating N,S,E,W. Qibla (direction of prayer) always comes up as we try and align ourselves in various places.

Panther has been doing some shape learning and repeating simple patterns. She's writing letters, but is nowhere near ready for words/ reading etc....so I'm going back to some Waldorf for her and the twinnies. With the three of them we can have a nice little circle and the big ones like to join in then anyway.

The Big 4 are making super progress with jujitsu. I'm in awe to watch them grow in this art. Moth has taken to doing side-breakfalls and kicks already. Copycat power! He got his first pair of shoes yesterday, size 3 1/2 E. Cute!

Butterfly is taking a step every now and then. Apparently I was going on 15 months before I walked and had size 2 1/2 D feet at that point. Perhaps she's not so abnormally small afterall then????? My Mum checked the size last night as she still has our first shoes. Sweet. I told her we might need to use them for Butterfly as Clarks start at 3. Lol.

Bird is a natural born cleaner. She's making the kitchen look better than I ever could. Can I officially pass all housework over to a 7 year old? No? Oh well.

We're in a new home which is another blog post really.

Our darling Bugsy.

2010-02-03T14:41:00.002+01:00

On Sunday morning we woke up to find that both rabbits were missing. Dh looked for them and found Bugsy's body. I can't even say how much of a loss this feels. I'm now one of those people who is crazily distraught to lose a pet. We've taken aconite and ignatia and as they say, time heals...but every night I feel devastated again.

In the afternoon Peter Rabbit hopped out. It was such a surprise. We hadn't buried Bugsy at this point and he found him and was nudging him as if to wake his friend. So sad. He was devoted follower of Bugs so no doubt he had to suffer the whole ordeal in some way too.

Dh and children buried Bugsy and he has some lavender planted on top of him. He liked to eat lavender (and all our other herbs and veg we ever planted in the garden!) Burying any creature is a sombre affair as it's a reminder of where we will all return.

Jehovas Witnesses

2010-02-02T11:30:00.003+01:00

I just had two ladies at the door. Apparently the oldest lady converted as she knew a girl of impeccable character at school. Now she's convinced it's the Truth and has spent 30 years studying it so that she can hold people at book point, throwing illogical arguments at them until their patience is pushed to the limit because she won't actually LISTEN to anything. I don't find that peaceful AT ALL.

After trying to politely engage (and then excuse myself) several times I told her I'm not interested in listening to you anymore. With a big smile she was happy to then leave as if that proved her point. Not the sort of 'victory' I would like of an interaction, but each to their own.

Respectful dialogue is great. Proselytising is not.

Passion.

2010-01-28T22:14:00.005+01:00

Somewhere along the line I've really lost my PASSION. Now, I don't do raves anymore ,P but the spiritual Path contains an exuberance that surpasses every material 'hit'.
I just stopped plugging into it a while back. Ouch. Life is such a distraction sometimes....when we let it be.

So my word for the moment is PASSION. What's yours?

Love.

2010-01-28T22:14:00.001+01:00

Story of a Lost Generation

2010-01-21T11:05:00.000+01:00

15 months

2010-01-11T18:16:00.005+01:00

Babies are now 15 months with all the wonderful antics of that age group. They chit chat and play peek a boo, hit each other and steal toys, teeth are bared for biting, no book is safe - what joy!

Butterfly can now stand alone but isn't walking, so recently she did what every little sister would think of doing: she hitched a ride with her big bro. Arms wrapped around his waist from the back, she squealed with delight whilst he looked bewildered. Then he fell backwards on top of her!!!

This twin thing is so unrelenting. I feel like every moment I'm not holding one of them is a miracle. Lol. Butterfly's weight gain continues to be an issue. It's either that she's not getting enough calories (I don't think this is possible since her bro is growing fine and there is minimal difference between what they consume), she's lactose/ cow's milk protein intolerant (seems likely since we have it in the family and she was given that hateful HMF in SCBU which just made it more likely), she's got pituitary dwarfism (we'll have to get this tested I think) or any number of other adrenal or bodily malfunctions which means she can't make more of the calories that she is consuming.

I still want to run away and cry about the pressure I feel for her to be bigger but am determined to avoid the trap of trying to spend every waking moment making her eat. I kind of want to bring the March appointment forward though to get the testing done to rule out/ find out if there is anything going on because 15 months on, it must be time to get over this!!!

I did an elimination diet to see what would happen and so far have found that bananas, of all things, give her really bad reflux. Reintroducing things slowly. Thus far I can have milk in my tea a couple of times a day without it seeming to cause problems for her, but she had butter in her rice and had an immediate reflux afterwards that she was almost choking on. Seems like the major incident she had was indeed reflux after all.((

OK, I will talk about something other than her weight gain. I'm not totally obsessed with it you know ,D

We've been in the process of moving this last 9 weeks and it just got delayed again. We're currently living round cardboard boxes and I am on the point of unpacking and insisting I will never leave this place. Lol. but the new house is much bigger and should make a lot of difference to us inshaAllah. For a start we'll have an older children's home ed room. This should be such a relief. We'll also be right next to a park so we can include a daily walk more easily without it being a huge drama to get out. There are so many more perks to it...let's see if we get there...

azaan

2009-11-22T21:42:00.000+01:00

i like the turkish style azaan

moving on?

2009-11-21T20:06:00.003+01:00

baby boy started walking this week. within 3 days he's gone from 4 steps to round and round the room. jaw dropping. little girl is pulling herself to standing and walking round the furniture. they both babble.

thought butterfly was dying the other day from choking, but alhamdulillah, she had recovered by the time paramedic got here. might have been bad reflux incident as it looked like she was starting up again whilst he was here, but her airways were clear. i did find a bit of paper that came out the other end though. i guess we'll not know for sure, but thank God she's ok.

still tiny. still causing a stir at the pediatric follow ups. but ok!!
moth has been discharged. he's 4lbs plus bigger and they're not fussed about him anymore.

have to say months 11 to 13 were pretty chronic in terms of parenting, but God willing it's settled down again now. it was a combo of them rejecting pacifiers (aka my nipple break) outright and teething that just about pushed me over the edge!!! i did wonder if butterfly would gain suddenly once they were ditched, but she didn't (phew) so i was using them 'responsibly' after all. lol.

thinking of picking up counsellor training again/ pursuing lactation consultancy. mostly for my own satisfaction, but also i like working towards something that will pay when the children are older but still fit around family life and home ed.

we're kind of in the middle of lots of life changing stuff and not sure how i feel about it all, but one day at a time it will sort itself out regardless.....

Nearly a year...

2009-10-01T23:48:00.003+02:00

"My, doesn't time fly" she said, as two little people rambled across the living room floor....

Everything about these babies has been bitter sweet. The last few months have been full of pondering, gratitude, sadness, joy and so much more.

It's a joy to love them to bits.
It's a joy to see their older siblings and Daddy loving them to bits.
And it's true that twins rock our world!!

Moth has 6 teeth, crawls (started with this combat style, elbow-powered worming-his-way-across-the-floor which gave us HOURS of utter delight. we still commiserate that he crawls 'properly' most of the time now) pulls himself to stand and walks around the furniture. He also does a mini hadra at the stairgate and side of the co sleeper. He thinks he can stand on his own, but keeps flopping to his bottom as he attempts this ,)
Teething has gone realllly hard on him. We've had weeks of full on teething misery, but he has those beautiful teeth to show for it and a soft heart and sweet nature (when he's not biting my nipple and scraping his teeth down it. ay)
The other day Butterfly was crying whilst I prayed and he was bouncing on his little legs and waving his hand at her to console her (she was oblivious!)
So tender.

He waves to strangers and claps!? and has those big blue puppy dog eyes. If he smiles you know you've won him over. For now anyway. lol. Mummy milky is still his comfort and joy, though he eats and eats and eats.....but always room for snuggles and milk.

Butterfly is still our delicate, dainty lady. She's so petite, but very strong minded. Most of the time she is delighted to look around and observe from her graceful sitting position. She likes to face out in the carrier to see what's going on. She reminds me of a meer cat the way she turns her head this way and that and sticks her neck up high, brings it down low. So alert and intrigued. Other times she is bum shuffling along, or side winding to get to something that has caught her eye.

She SMILES the most amazing smile mashaAllah. It brings tears to my eyes and amazes me that her early start with needles and regular pain has still resulted in such sunshine!!

No teeth, but she very much likes to eat certain foods, and shakes her head side to side when she means 'no way mummy!' And with that smile she says so much too .D
Mummy milk is the only milk that will do and she checks in regularly, alhamdulillah.

Her big eyes now look more proportionate and one side has a tiny fleck of green in the pool of blue. She is so normal, but with these hints of the extra-ordinary hiding.

It's an every day miracle.

And even for all this incredible joy ~ I am terrrified of ever having multiples again!!!!!!!

slowing down

2009-08-11T00:17:00.003+02:00

i'm definitely slowing down on the blogging again. as the babies get busier i can't switch off and veg at something else without standing up to check them every 30 seconds. moth is all over the place. butterfly is staying put, but has a wide ranging swipe that catches more than i realise she can get hold of.

we've baby proofed one side of the living space, but i still can't switch off for a moment. moth can also climb out of the side cot. aaagh. this is fun!?!
.))

it's noticeably different with two now they are mobile. adorable and driving me potty all at the same time!!

doc appointment went well and he's said that i can keep on going gently with butterfly's solid intake. there is one possible condition that we might get follow up on, but insha'Allah it won't be that and we'll have eliminated yet another possible problem. it seems like she skims the edge of 'normal' in many areas to keep us on our toes. but she's dancing and laughing at our concern inside!!

i think i'm more exhausted now than i was in the beginning. i can't believe how fast it has flown by. i'm grateful for them every single day.

multi blogging

2009-07-22T14:00:00.003+02:00

i never understood why people kept blogs for different parts of their lives. i mean, we're all one package, for all our different interests, right!?

yes, but wrong that i can swing from one area to another in this one space!! it's most definitely my twinnies place here. i've started somewhere else with the home ed stuff and think i might also do a ME ME ME space. just to keep track of self care ( a la Surrendered Wife)

so there ,)

anyway, here has been quiet whilst i traumatised myself with worrying about the babies again. low weight. yawn. we see the docs next week, so was having my usual month long panic leading up to that.

we decided to try introducing one bottle of goats milk formula to see how much difference it would make. butterfly refused it after having 50mls the first day, but moth has taken to it. i'm still upset about this. lol. he hasn't had it everyday, but just 100mls seemed to make a big difference. there's an extra half pound between them now. he's also increased his solids however, so it's not conclusive evidence, but at the least it has taken the pressure off me expressing to top up. i did start out expressing as well, but then he drinks from me and has anything else he's offered too!! whereas butterfly took 70mls yesterday after delaying a feed from me and then wouldn't have anything else. so, she's just not hungry for more and he will eat and eat and eat!
constipation kicked in awfully for butterfly with solids and we're walking a horrible balance between giving her tiny amounts and her being ok, to just a bit too much and she's horribly constipated again.

they are both enjoying floravital now: 5-10 mls a day, so i'm happy they are getting an easily absorbable iron boost, and it does seem to make butterfly able to tolerate more solids than she could before, even though this is still a teeny tiny amount.

anyway, the extra bit of bottle is the compromise to try and balance babies, home ed and my health. like a friend keeps saying, something has to suffer unless balance is found.

happy news - moth is 'talking', he pulled himself up the other day. both babies need plenty of floor time to move about in their varying ways (butterfly is a gymnast in the making doing mini bridges.lol): babyproofing with four bigger children is an ongoing work!!!

natural cleaning

2009-06-30T21:49:00.001+02:00

lots of tips here

EFT

2009-06-24T20:11:00.000+02:00

native deen

2009-06-22T00:01:00.000+02:00

and he's rolling.....

2009-06-13T12:07:00.002+02:00

we had our first back to tummy roll from moth this morning, reaching out to mummy .))

i'm still fretful about the weight gain, but taking one day at a time which is all i can do! i have to say that the pressure, mostly internal in fact, to see them grow, has given me formula feeding thoughts a thousand times over since they were born. just to know i'm not harming them by insisting on b'milk alone. although my inner angst is obviously within my field of influence, i can't help but feel sad and disappointed that we live in a bottle influenced culture.

anyway, this week i'm expressing more frequently with a view to give some top up ebm (after a feed) in the morning for a week or so and see if it makes any difference. at the least, i will have enough milk for three ,P

babies are having a new remedy this month too which seems to address ALL their ongoing issues (weight, reflux, possible anaemia from prematurity, slow milestones in butterfly) and it seems to have changed them already. butterfly's face even looks older. moth is less anxious for full on mummy presence and very mellow.

i've been taking a surrendered wife seminar and it is fantastic. really life changing. check it out!! would like to blog more on that at some point......

big three are going to be having 3 hours of tutoring a week in maths. this has soooo many benefits to it: children learn something with someone they love and respect, get other adult input in their lives, panther gets some precious mummy and daddy time to herself (with babies, but ykwim), husband and wife get some long needed time alone (with just three children. that's alone thesedays ,P ) to go places and take walks where we're not constantly interrupted and refocus our togetherness.

i'm surrendering to knowing my limits and expressing them .))

The Little Red Hen

2009-06-11T13:21:00.004+02:00

sunny days

2009-06-01T02:19:00.002+02:00

...are here again!

water of life

2009-05-22T13:36:00.001+02:00

subhanAllah - this has so much correlation to Islamic teaching.

and the boy is........

2009-05-16T12:10:00.000+02:00

SITTING UP!!!!!

7 months

2009-05-10T12:01:00.002+02:00

moth blew raspberries on me yesterday - it had everyone, including him, in hysterics .))
he was lying up against me after a feed and started his attempts. it wasn't long before we realised they were deliberate. sooo cute mashaAllah. he's also started to bounce in a bouncer which will give me a few minutes hands free. yay. and he's starting to support himself a little in a sitting position.
he does not like to be on his tummy, but enjoys turning toys over in his hands and putting everything in his mouth. we're still waiting for the elusive tooth that his grumbling screaminess and saliva seem to indicate is on it's way (or are on their way)
he's chubbily wubbily delightful and very easy going so long as he can see someone to talk to and have milk on tap.

butterfly is quite serious, but bursts into the sweetest smiles ever when she's comfortable and entertained by someone. she still has reflux which is bothering her. we've had success with homeopathy, but it's not holding for long - we have to keep repeating the remedies at close intervals.
butterfly loves to see what's going on!!! she's curious and intrigued by everything. when we go out she's not interested in milk; she doesn't want to miss a beat. she loves to bounce and be carried on our backs - also the best place to fall asleep ,)
we don't think she's going to develop in the way we're used to. it might be she has overall developmental delays, or it might be something specific. it might be nothing. sometimes she seems to be off with the angels. other times she's a bright and sparkly girl who is 100% with us......we'll have to see what the coming months bring. i know i was worried about her sight and that came to nothing, but there's something in her eyes that shows she's special.

we are loving them so much; enjoying them grow into unique little beings who teach us every day.

loving

2009-05-04T17:07:00.002+02:00

my heart could just split from loving these children. it's so raw. i mean that in an alive, vital kind of way as much as raw pain. just how can you express motherhood and do it any justice without being it with your whole being. raaah. how could there ever be too many children to love. never. to have that love extend to all humanity. wow.

geocaching

2009-04-15T00:39:00.005+02:00

and today we found a new walk and an abundance of nettles.
so guess what we're eating for tea inshaAllah.......

ooo, plus had hosp. appointment this am and after initial 'Concern' the doctor was satisfied butterfly is ok with her weight. all 10lbs1oz of it this week ,P
she is VERY active, very alert and 'chubby' despite her low weight, so they're convinced i'm not starving her after all!!! we go back in 3 months. moth has a really yellow skin tone which the doctor commented on, but inshaAllah he takes after my colouring and it's nothing to panic over as the whites of his eyes are still white.

reading miss rumphius this week.

mike mulligan last week.

and i'm having a silly calling to be a midwife again. it's so not my field. blood and stuff. NHS training. eugh. yuck. i wish the thought would vanish. lol.

storynory

2009-04-12T14:51:00.000+02:00

storynory - free downloads for children's stories.

moth

2009-04-10T21:50:00.004+02:00

moth weighs 10lb15oz - less than i expected too, and also dropping from his chart average. sigh. it's not nice to have to do these weigh ins .((

we have their six month follow up on the 15th so i'm obviously in a panic already about this!! and i can't stop writing letters of complaint in my head about the things i am unhappy about, especially with Outreach in hindsight.....we'll see. i need to get it down on paper to let go and hope that other families might not be so intimidated to speak their truth, or if we were there again that things would be clearer from the start inshaAllah.

i've told my sister she can have the triplets though ,P
(her grandma is an identical twin (we have diff. fathers) so we're banking on at least one identical set from her a well as frats. from our mothers side. lol)

6 months

2009-04-04T19:36:00.004+02:00

or thereabouts. can you believe it!!?

butterfly weighed in at all of 9lbs and 10oz this week. She's down to the 0.2 centile, but the health visitor was lovely. she reassured me that the pox would have caused her to lose weight whilst healing and that she has more than doubled her birthweight (which is the way they used to measure weight gain before the charts).....even so, it's still bizarre my sweet butterfly weighs less now than many babies do when they're born.
and i still have to get past 'go' at this months hospital appointment without being floored again....

I didn't weigh moth yet.
he's teething.S

they are both stopping nursing whenever something more interesting is happening around them. remember that (annoying) delightful phase.
i love to see milky smiles .))

sunshine is doing its healing thing for our souls today.

chicken pops

2009-03-25T13:49:00.001+01:00

yep, we have chicken pops. butterfly all healed, but the other 5 all got spotty yesterday..........

The Story of Ping week overview

2009-03-15T23:44:00.005+01:00

Ok, so this is what I'm intending ish:

Islamic saying:
Seek knowledge even if it be in China.

Monday: Geography
put map up on wall to find China
read books on China; culture and lifestyle

Tuesday: Language
once upon a time
The Mirror AA Milne; older ones copy out and illustrate

Wednesday: Art
pencil colour drawings; boat
draw water marks to show movement

Thursday: Maths
counting family of ducks
cooking a chinese meal. yum.

Friday: General Interest
birds

I love mindmaps. Would like to do some of those with children too. Can't wait until they are reading and writing more fluently now. Also would like to do a butterfly lapbook. Haven't decided whether or not to draw one up for The Story of Ping. Will see how they warm to the story and subject.

FIAR plans

2009-03-15T20:29:00.004+01:00

okay, so a little about home ed here. lol. if i write it down i might do it ,P

i got the FIAR volume one last week (with superquick delivery from conquest books i might add!!!) and feel really motivated by the scheme. it's written in such a way that it flows pretty naturally to the way we home ed anyway, but taking it a little further and giving me some focus that i feel we all need right now. yes, i always feel that. yes, i hate to read back over my years of blogging. lol. eugh. same old lines. but anyway.

to go off on a kind of tangent, because those are comfortable to me too! after mulching about in my mind for years i think i might finally have accepted eclecticness as part of my build/ mindset/furniture and glasses. it's okay! thanks to q and sal for last little bit of settling me into this.........

can't remember much of what we did last week because my memory is like ______________
that!! so hopefully blogging ahead of myself will be more constructive .))

butterfly's spots are crusting over and she's proved herself to be a brave little warrior in hardship masha Allah (that she had proven one hundred times over in scbu anyway, but...). beautiful smiles, sweeter than honey. moth has been off, but no spots as yet...

ok, i've remembered some things from last week:

frog enjoying the boys doodle book. it's totally caught his imagination mashaAllah, proving interesting insight .))

been reading a book on childhood memories and liking the author generally. he's christian and speaks of 'traditional' ways, so it's not going to be one for radical unschoolers probably ,P

finally knitted one side of a jumper started years ago.

moved rooms around and ordered some chest of drawers so should be looking more 'put away' and presentable inshaAllah upstairs.

yep, more of the same old, same old!!!!

actual home ed stuff will have to wait now!!!!!!! it's okay, i've mind mapped it though ,)

arabic

2009-03-11T22:46:00.002+01:00

just started an arabic gcse course at short notice. not ideal timing on the face of it, but perfect too because it's happening now. left defrosted b'milk but managed to be back within 90mins and both babies lasted that duration without milk. subhanAllah!

felt sooooo good to go out and have some focus out of the home. i like the teacher, it's relaxed and inshaAllah we'll be learning some arabic then .))

butterfly has many blisters appearing. i spent all lesson holding and checking my mobile phone (discreetly. lol) to see if dh was calling and felt very 'scbu'ish to be walking out on them. but good to come home and feel totally fulfilled and refreshed.

have bought the first module of FIAR to try with girls. i've looked at so many curriculums over the years and this is one which has popped up over and over. i already have some of the books, so will see what's it's like.

reading a lot more books atm rather than internet surfing somewhat aimlessly. it's much more constructive for me to hold paper and read than look at a screen.

buzz buzz buzz

5 months

2009-03-07T23:44:00.003+01:00

babies are 5 months now. in some ways that seems so short. in other ways it's been looong months.

the children play it out.
remembering the impact it's had on us all.

i still haven't been able to put it all in writing in any kind of order. i want to say thank you to a handful of people, but in my style i also want to write an essay with quotes about why the scbu 'care' isn't acceptable to parent and child.

i hope i'll do it inshaAllah. i don't think i'll be able to move past it proper until i've aired my thoughts and feelings - for our family and for all the others who pass through those doors.

had other stuff to write tonight, but this is what has flowed instead.

also discovered today there are a pile of twins and a set of trips in my husband's side of the family. so, as well as my great grandma being a twin we might have had an idea multiples would happen. actually, i did have that idea even without knowing family history. from the first pregnancy i always said 'i wonder if it's twins'. fourth time round i was pretty certain (but she wasn't a twin by the time we saw a scan) never occurred to me with baby miscarried.
i hope my triplet worry and all the 'triplets next' comments i've been getting isn't a taste of what's to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ouch. i guarantee you i'll be begging God to get past the need for the scbu at any rate............

Now we're talking.....and giggling!

2009-02-19T09:40:00.004+01:00

Babies had their first conversation.
Awwww - they've found each other.
Moth has been chatting to Butterfly for a while now, but she tends to just try and stare him out ,)) or look haughtily away from him. giggle. but now she has finally spoken a gurgle back to him, and how happy he was masha Allah!!! it's totally delightful.

edit: i guess this means she is, indeed, seeing, and the google eyes are just 'lazy'

And Frog got a giggle out of Moth yesterday (doing a completely insane head banging type of thing!?!)

This is the very nice bit .D

old family shadow pic

2009-02-15T22:10:00.002+01:00

this is about the first picture i ever took with my camera. nostalgic. can still remember how i felt, how the day was. it was beautiful and we were just on the brow of a small hill when i told them all STOP and clicked before they all shot off into the sunshine and still-crisp breeze.

love

2009-02-11T22:52:00.002+01:00

the boy has found his thumb (just toooooo cute mashaAllah) and the girl doesn't want to be put down (umm, nice in it's own kind of way ,P as I feel like we're still making up for the cuddles missed when she was 'inside' (incubator))

i'm in LOVE xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

really trying to pay attention to where everyone is emotionally. it's hard work! and i can't always intercept their pains/ struggles even when i want to!

i've had a cleaner (home help as i prefer to call her .D ) come in a few times now and she's helping to declutter and find places for everything. it's nice and humiliating all at the same time. i'm worried i'm getting a home help dependency though. eeek. i want her to stay and stay and stay. LOL.

home ed report is in (only 1.5 months late) so praying the la man accepts it without follow up. amin.

went out and about for the first time in 8 seater on my own with children today. felt good.

really, i'm so in love with these people it hurts.
love hurts. it pushes your heart and streeeetches into every little corner, nook and cranny.
a blissful kind of pain.

Weaving

2009-01-14T12:00:00.001+01:00

three month check at hospital

2009-01-08T10:17:00.002+01:00

Well, babies weighed just over 7 and 9 pounds. They are still saying Butterfly is small, but I feel better able to assert that she is a perfectly normal size for our family, and she is following her own curve of growth just fine. Moth has funny breathing and always sounds blocked, and the doctor pointed out he has very narrow nasal pasageways which is what is causing this. I am reassured on this point, and found it quite funny almost, ( um, weird sense of humour!?!), but it should settle as he grows bigger insha'Allah.....

and Butterfly and her sight, well, it's still within normal responses apparently.......which I'm sort of relieved to hear, but a bit begrudgingly because I remember asking them to check her bilirubin levels over a 24 hour period in the scbu, and they didn't, just kept saying she looked fine ( she was SO YELLOW again that I could see it ), and then it hit crisis where they nearly gave her a transfusion. Bleurgh. So, why when I WANT follow up and reassurance do they poof me away I ask!!!!?!
I hope this time they are right anyway.....we'll be following it up, and tbh, I'll be looking for sight tests at an early age for her even if it does calm down over the next months. I've got three in glasses already, one of whom has quarterly follow ups for a 'lazy eye', so the likelihood is that the three younger ones will be needing some kind of support.

We go back in three months...

NICU/SCBU trouble

2009-01-06T22:35:00.003+01:00

This kind of article still makes me feel sick and my skin crawl .((

Appointment at hospital again tomorrow that I'm dreading. Just another weigh in and general assessment I think, but Butterfly seems to have something called strabismus, which I've self diagnosed, but it's not difficult in this case because it's so visual!! ( this is such an ironic statement!) I've been worried since she came home that she can't see, but this week it's had the added twist that her eyes are just all over the place. I think it's the left one that is most struggling. Anyway, we'll see. Aaagh. Don;t we take language. and sight. for granted. Subhan'Allah. My little baby.'(

Car is out of order too, so it's all walk, walk, walk. I'm exhausted!

And nice ending: friend had her baby, 36+5 weeks, in the hospital. Drug free and...............

..............IT'S A GIRL

.D

Oh, and I've taken on Celeste's mantra 'everything is easy.'
Thank you Celeste for sharing your journey on the level that you do .))

picnik photoshop thingy

2009-01-04T17:19:00.002+01:00

discovered picnik today. don't know much about what to do with it, but....

bee lifecycle

2008-12-30T23:08:00.001+01:00

quick cakes

2008-12-30T15:29:00.001+01:00

we don't use a microwave, but thinking of trying to adjust for quick over cakes!?

Hmmm

2008-12-22T22:12:00.002+01:00

Ok, I never can think of useful titles!! I'm still finding it so, so, so sad that my babies arrived early. Call it an obsession. Shrug. I'll leave it as calling it grieving for the time being.

When my little ones were in their carseats for the first time taking the carseat test which was one last step on the way home, I had to try and find things to do. It was for an hour and a half. I first watched them, almost stopping breathing myself in angst that they would set off those AWFUL monitors and beep me into despair. Seriously, it is just so AWFUL in that place, and I can't relate to mothers who get through it by thinking their baby/ babies are in the best place. It's a hellish place, really.
Anyway, then I went to express, because that was always one thing that made me feel connected to my babies needs in the strongest way during their stay. So, I pumped. ( and these words just make my stomach churn, you know. still) and then I came back and watched. and then went to the bathroom. and then watched and willed with all my prayerfulness, that pleeeeease let them pass this. and then I wrote a poem.

Ripped out
Tattered shreds
Full of dread

I'm scared to look in my eyes -
To meet anyone's innermost soul
Lest they see me
The Abyss
The shell of a mother
All emptied
Chasms of pain

My hearts ache
Are broken
I have hearts I didn't know were possible
But love is from The One
Love
Our hearts are but specks
Like dandelion seeds dancing on the breeze
My scattered hearts direct me to Sea

Occult solicitude
Hidden Kindness
O Gentle; I will raise them well
My God
I return prostrate.

Something cannot be filled
Which isn't empty.

and then I watched a lifesupport dvd and imagined having to breathe into my babies. naudhobillah. just a heavy, heavy time. how can you ever truly get over having had to leave your child.

My home!

2008-12-19T11:51:00.001+01:00

I'm working on it, right ,)

Felt Square inspiration.

2008-12-19T11:24:00.001+01:00

Felt Square inspiration flickr group.

I'm stuck one handed mainly balancing/ nursing babes, but obviously not got in way of wasting my time surfing net.

outreach awaaaaay.

2008-12-11T18:02:00.000+01:00

No more outreach - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- she's put on another 100gms which makes a good average and has brought her up to just about 6lbs. She's fat now masha'Allah; and survived a fall on Monday. Off the setteee from someone's chest, and it wasn't mine thank God ,) but I did nearly roll her off my lap later in the day which made for rather frazzled nerves all round.eeek

Next stop: hip clinic.

Really, it's a saga.

Baby backwrap.

2008-12-10T18:32:00.000+01:00

Baby backwrap carry.

Looking for ways to make life easier!!

I got a second hand one of these , uk version, two days ago and it is really great actually, mashaAllah. I can even top to tail them atm. Am going to try it for tonight I think too, because I have to try and get some more sleep.

100 gms!

2008-12-04T13:48:00.000+01:00

YES!!!!

Growing pains.

2008-12-02T13:21:00.001+01:00

Well, the boy is now 7lbs2oz and the girl only made 20g in four days. Waaaah. Not the relief I was hoping for at all. We weigh in again on Thursday.....I've topped up with two bottles of EBM yesterday and she managed 25ml with her Dad and 15ml with me. B'feeding so much easier, but I'm needing to see some quantifiable amount of b'milk visibly go on. Sigh. I cannot believe how crushed my confidence has been by the system. Why 20g is okay this week but 30g over a shorter period of time was a crisis that they threatened me with rehospitalisation over.

This one lady is obviously still on the pnd rampage against me. Feel so stiff in front of her now, which will make her more dubious probably, but smiles don't grace me easily I'm afraid. Unless I'm feeling relaxed of course ,)

Oh bunkle wunkles.

Feeding solo.

2008-11-27T15:00:00.001+01:00

Well, can you believe it, Butterfly is now 5lbs9oz. And has worn her first washable nappy ,)
I'm still seeing her as 3lbs unfortunately, fragile little bless her, can't afford to take any risks with feeding. However, she pulled her tube out not ten minutes after the outreach worker left and we are feeding solo. AAAAAAAGGHHHH. That is a cry of fear; not joy as it should be. All the intervention has so left it's mark. Hoping I can trust we will get through the next few days with a great weight gain to finally lay the tube to rest insha'Allah......but watch this space for any panic and reinstatement of NGT.

Some reminders of our time in hospital:

edit: had to add it's Moth on the left and Butterfly on the right.
Not that I'm paranoid about being unfair or anything ,))

Wearing two

2008-11-25T23:32:00.001+01:00

For you Gill. Ah ha - I look in my crystal ball and you're feeling broody with twins on the horizon ,D

Babywearing photogallery multiples.

There are two hidden in there, honest, just nicely tucked away. Unlike the laundry in the background which s p r a wls all over the place. What a weight they were though - I couldn't take it for more than 5 minutes without sitting down. lol. I hope when they are a bit stronger it will be easier even though they are heavier, kwim?
Am actually mainly too busy b'feeding and changing nappies between them (and then dashing to do a quick 5 minute job before the next round) to try out any other carries.

Babywearing instructions

2008-11-24T23:22:00.000+01:00

Excellent babywearing pdf.

Thank you gypsy mama!

Generosity

2008-11-24T23:19:00.001+01:00

Allah’s Generosity is connected to gratitude, and gratitude is linked to increase in His generosity. The generosity of Allah will not stop increasing unless the gratitude of the servant ceases. [Ali ibn Abu Talib]

Buggies emotionally impoverished!

2008-11-22T11:57:00.000+01:00

Well, duh .))

Turkish qasida.

2008-11-21T15:44:00.000+01:00

The background to the qasidah is a kind of dhikr.

More peaceful, phew.

2008-11-16T11:01:00.000+01:00

Well, I took some staphysagria because I've felt so, so invaded and violated these last 6 weeks. I was putting off taking any remedies because I was worried they'd make me feel MORE of whatever I was trying to deal with. Sometimes homeopathy aggravates before healing and letting go, so I was just worried I'd have an outburst on someone. LOL.

Anyhow, because I was getting to a frustrated bursting point anyway, I thought I may as well go ahead and take them. Hehe. So, after staph I went on to ignatia. The headache I had was an ignatia headache, and I was obviously emotionally in that place too. After around 4/5 doses I feel so, so, so much better and like I've sacked off all the stuff that was starting to weigh me down too much. Headache gone and I'm feeling chirpy .D

The pressure of people telling me I'm feeling something that I'm not, and making me doubt what I perceive in my mind/body, just grates. My husband, ( who is out of the house again btw!!!! by mutual decision), just laughed and said 'you're fine, believe me I know how you are by how much of a hard time you give me' !!!

Anyway it was funny for me, and made me realise how nice it is to have a longterm relationship with someone who gets to know you as well as you know yourself and can reflect back what's going on inside for you.

Babies are still seeming to make good progress. We have another weigh in Monday, (which I hate, but has to be accepted), and maybe the pediatrician Wednesday to try and resolve a couple of issues.

Focus of this week is trying to get a better bedtime established again for a bit of space and quiet in the evenings. Well, as much as you get with babies in a house ,))

Not more pressure!

2008-11-15T14:06:00.000+01:00

My outreach worker is worried I've got PND and is passing this on to the health visitor. I have a headache since she decided this. Basically, the whole way through the pregnancy and afterwards it's been like everyone assumed:
I wouldn't have a full term vaginal birth
I won't be able to breastfeed
I won't be able to cope with
- home ed
- 6 children
- twins

etc etc....
I want to just say, 'look people, go away and worry about your own lives'!!!!!

So, I didn't go full term. Apparently I'm not allowed to express any dissatifaction with this and our NICU stay because it indicates PND and requires follow up.

What is depressing is that I don't feel like we're ever going to be out of this scrutiny, kwim!?!
I have too many children, too many 'radical' ideas about how to raise them and question too many standard procedures. Do this and you will be (persecuted) prosecuted. Sigh.

Into the second week...

2008-11-10T14:43:00.000+01:00

I'm sad and sorry not to have updated more as we went along. So many ups and downs, but I'll jump in where we are now:

Everything's more settled in terms of family integration amongst siblings. Children's Dad probably going to be back on the scene for a while.
Three of the big children spent last week being sick. I guess it's still not necessarily over yet, but we'll see...

I introduced husband to geo caching and they've been out and about for that a few times, as well as lots of walks on public footpaths and off the beaten track. Frog is particularly enjoying map reading, and it's nice to see a strong interest of his, independent of Tiger. Children are crazy hyper with their Dad around and lots of the routine is also off track, but I guess that's to be expected anyway.
The big three went bird feeder making and found a local nature group to go to once a month. I also subbed them to Nature Detectives and they get a weekly challenge by email. It's great and gives focus to seasonal activities.
We're reading Great Northern and I am so enjoying it .D

Tiger is working through some Read Write Inc which I'm not really impressed with, ( anything that says synthetic bothers me immensely), but seems to keep him entertained. He's working on getting capitals vs lower case sussed in terms of when to use which. Cursive and his fountain pen are turning out to be useful ways to master this.

Frog is reading maps. And bugging his sisters. Perfect 8 year old, I guess.

Bird is screeching a lot and 'telling tales' on her siblings. She's in love with babies for the most part and totally, totally exaggerating how much she is able to do with them! She also declared she's going to leave her babies to cry until they fall asleep, or just stick a pacifier in their mouth to make them quiet/ stick them in a cot!! AAAAAAGH. I told her I hope she doesn't have any if that's how she's going to 'take care' of them...which led onto a discussion about babies' needs and how they can't communicate scared/need cuddle/ hungry/ hot /cold etc...so we have to interpret as best we can and CARE for our babies, not leave them to feel deserted.

She said I can come and look after them then.
HAHAHA. With pleasure!

Panther is bouncing back from feeling jilted and seems to have something of a knack with settling the babies, masha'Allah. She inspects their hands and faces looking at every minute detail; as a Mother is inclined to do.
Phew, one AP daughter there then!?!
She's also been drawing with blocks and sticks some very lovely and vibrant pictures.
She is vibrant and lovely herself; a large kind of matronly figure which belies her 4 years.

Moth is stacking on the weight. He's around 5lbs11oz now and feeding fab, masha'Allah, whilst making the most beautiful noises. He seems quite content and self assured, but gets an uncomfy tummy sometimes. He generally feels 'solid'. He smells YUMMY.))

Butterfly. Ah, my butterfly. Dainty and delicate, quite overwhelmed, furrowed forehead. Still needing her cocoon to grow and find her colours. Panther started this way too. I expect Butterfly will be a match for her once she unfolds a little more, but in the meantime she is slight and requires some steady background to feel secure. She is very in touch aurally; everything noticed.
She's weighing in at around 4lbs9oz now and still needing tops ups by tube.

I am so, so glad to be home.

HOME!!!

2008-10-31T19:43:00.001+01:00

THEY ARE HOME!

Kind of suddenly, unexpectedly, did a weigh in this morning and Butterfly had kind of suddenly, unexpectedly made the grade. I can't believe it.

They are currently sleeping.

TWO babies. In my living room.

Bubble over my heart with joy.

TWO babies masha'Allah .D

A little time out of view.

2008-10-30T15:04:00.000+01:00

I stayed in the SCBU hospital flat last night to demand feed Moth and get used to tube feeding Butterfly solo. She set her apnoea alarm off which was terrifying to wake up to, but she jumped as I put my hand on her, so I knew she was okay then. This whole hospital experience really breaks: me, the mother/baby continuum, intuition.....I could go on. It's mental. I cannot believe we've been going through this for nearly four weeks now - how far we have come and yet how far we have to go to be at a point when I can really celebrate their hereness.

They passed the carseat tests but Butterfly didn't make the weight gain needed to go home. I've also had a couple of comments about how cold it is atm, how we can't go out/ see people or basically lead a 'normal' life for a good while yet. It's hard to put everything into perspective. I also have to go home with a feeding/ top up chart for their every intake and output to be monitered - we'll also have a nurse visit daily. This is my idea of a not very good situation to be in!!!

LA man finally spoken to and I told him no visit, but send me the paperwork. He said when things have settled down he'd like to come for 10/15 minutes like most of the other parents offer. Pfeh.

Being Grateful.

2008-10-28T12:58:00.000+01:00

Someone posted this to a list I sub to:

What it means to be thankful...by Umm Ayyuub

Apart from being Muslim, there is one thing that immediately comes into mind. I am so very grateful to Allah swt for my daughter Ruqayya.

She was born with an unknown genetic disorder that affected her connective tissue which in turn resulted in a heart defect.

She required heart surgery when she was days old, and when she was 8 months old (she was 8 pounds at that age and the surgery was 8 hours long).

She was also born deaf, something we suspected but confirmed when she was 5 months old. And I tell you she was truly, truly amazing. She poured her little heart out to us, and we did the same.

I learned American Sign Language from a deaf teacher, and I was determined to communicate with her, and I did. Then, she had a cochlear implant and despite her abnormal inner ears she could hear very well. She was so amazing.

She had to be fed through a feeding tube, and when the feeds didn't go well she would throw up. She also had several respiratory infections.

Often she would go into a corner and cough, and then throw up but SubhaanAllaah I tell you she would get up when she was done and come to you smiling.

She developed infantile scoliosis and had to have surgery for that too, complicated by a severe burn on her back due to laying in one position after the surgery, and this caused her a great deal of pain.

Her scars would itch, and me and my husband would rub them with lotion until she slept. May Allaah bless my husband and grant him Paradise. He is a convert to Islam, and I have never seen anything but complete certainty from him concerning Allaah and His messenger.

Every time she would get sick he would tell me she would be ok. She was always pink, kicking and fighting for her life, even while in the ICU.

The tremendous blessing was that she was mentally normal, so we could communicate with sign and voice. I will never forget her cute little hands and voice signing "I love you".

Then at the age of 4, after 6 months of flourishing she developed a cough. We took care of her at home as long as we could. Then we took her to the hospital.

My husband stayed with her the first night and she was improving. I went in the next day, and she started to deteriorate. I tried to brush her teeth before they returned her to the ICU and she bit me. I cherished that bruise as long as it would last.

She continued to deteriorate over the next two days. Then, my husband came to her side after salat-ul jum'a and started to cry. He told me he envisioned himself burying her. Before that, he had always told me she would be ok. And she wasn't pink anymore. And she wasn't fighting anymore.

Ruqiya was 4 years old. And we removed life support except the oxygen. Then, I cleaned her up and removed all external devices. Then, I took the oxygen off and my world became me and her in that rocking chair in the ICU.

I told her I would never ever forget her. And she slowed her breathing, while she nodded her head. I wondered if she was nodding to the angels who had come to take her. Then she died in my arms.

And my husband I washed her and then he buried her with the help of my family. She died on a Friday.

SubhanAllaah I relied on Allaah for every decision. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to be selfish and I didn't want to violate her. I asked Allaah to make easy for me what I thought I couldn't bear. And I tell you my brothers and sisters He did. And He changed our hearts, and He opened our eyes.

And to this day I have dreams where she comes to visit me, and she is happy, smiling, growing, and talking. And then she leaves. And I testify I love Allaah for this.

He has given me a chance to be grateful from the bottom my heart for His blessings. He has given me the opportunity to grow to love Him because of those four years of sadness and suffering. And now, when I think of Ruqayya I am so happy. I long for the day where I can see her again. I ask Allaah to have mercy on me and let me be with my daughter again. And I imagine the reunion and it fills me with joy.

But I fall so short of what I can be, so I ask Allaah for His Mercy for without His favor what is there. So I ask Allaah to forgive my shortcomings and failures where she was concerned, and to forgive my shortcomings and failures in all other aspects of my life as well, and my parents and my family, and the Ummah, so we can be granted Paradise. Inshaa’Allaah. And I am grateful for my other seven children, too.

Nightmare and Better Than a Dream

2008-10-27T18:38:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was a bawling my eyes out day again.

Yesterday they were both on the billibed with still high levels. Moth was projectile sick a psychadelic yellow colour and Butterfly's apnoea alarm was bipping. Aaagh. Sick seems to be normal though, and the alarm was apparently just sounding for a normal shallow breathing pattern. Try reassuring a hysterical mother whose frequently separated from her babies on those points though! At 1am I had to call in for an update because I couldn't switch off.
However, I met a beautiful lady Doctor, come recently from Iraq, who reminded me 'la hawla wa la quwwatta ila billah' - everything is from Allah. Her presence was calming and her state was one of deeply contagious acceptance.

This morning both babes came off the lights and I asked the paeds if I can go home with babies still taking their top-ups by tube.

Hold your breath like me!

The answer is YES!!!
.......so long as:

Butterfly gets to 1.8kg in next few days.

They both pass their car seat tests; which is to be in them for 90 mins without any apnoeas.

The jaundice levels don't go crazy again, ( a big worry because this has been happening for the last 3 weeks that they rocket as soon as babes are off the phototherapy)

I think that's it criteria-wise, but as anyone whose been in the SCBU/NICU knows; anything can change in a moment. I'm to be taught how to replace the NG tubes, but am close enough that can also take babies back in to have it done by a nurse if I prefer. I've watched a resus video and have sheets to remind main points of this. Taking car seats in tonight insha'Allah. Got so much going round my head. Must write some lists. Must eat and go to the toilet regularly too - honestly, I think having babies in hospital is worse for missing toilet stops than having a newborn baby around. LOL. but I might eat those words later ,)

HOW am I going to cope!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So, please pray/ send positive thoughts that whatever is best happens smoothly and that we continue to get through this time as peacefully as possible.

Stubborn protocol.

2008-10-25T21:12:00.001+02:00

In my birth notes I wrote many things. Among them that cords should *not* be immediately cut. I'm angry at how many things have been managed over my children and behind my back.
This is an interesting case.

With the b'feeding and demanding *no formula*, BREASTMILK ONLY, I realised so many things. I'm 'trained' ( I don't exactly like this word to describe the following experiential and intuitive areas of life (but then that sounds fancy to say that. LOL!!!)), as a b'feeding counsellor, peer supporter and doula. It was, and still is, a HUGE struggle to sort through staff egos and individual opinions to get heard and respected. I am vulnerable, utterly vulnerable, to the slightest negative remark or tone. We all need someone to stand up and advocate for us when we are in the trenches of motherhood ourselves. The theory is not the same as living through something.
Duh.
I know.
You know .))
( Peter and Jane know. hehehe)
but do we know or do we know!?

I hope this has been one of those tests to show one Who is in control and that though means are the usual 'causality', they are not to be relied on at all.

Almost 3 weeks on....

2008-10-24T08:40:00.000+02:00

I can't believe how fast and slow the days are going. I feel in a time warp. This week has been so hard to get to grips with

- the fact that they aren't coming home as soon as I'd imagined
- we still have a long way to go
- they were born 8 weeks early
- i'm not in control of decisions made over them
- i'm not able to look after them 24/7
- wondering about the reality of bringing them home
- worrying about the reality of bringing them home
- worrying about how this separation is going to have affected us all
- and how it will continue to affect us

on and on the list of worries and realisations.....

Moth appears to be waking up a bit more and having a couple of good b'feeds a day. He's pooing and weeing and growing well masha'Allah. He wakes up and looks around all dazed, lovely and beautiful. He still seems chilled out for the most part; steady and sure, firm, solid.

Butterfly was back on phototherapy after her billirubin levels got to transfusion status. Alhamdulillah the lights and increased fluids brought it down quickly enough to avoid the transfusion, but these kind of touch and go crises totally freak me out. She managed a couple of 5 minute feeds with 30 ml top ups. Butterfly is a wriggler who moves, moves, moves. She can be put in one position and shift herself into a totally new direction. When she opens her eyes she is very, very bright and alert. My little sprite! They say she may go into a cot on Sunday insha'Allah if she keeps gaining weight okay.

The cot just means they are much more accessible for me to handle without asking staff to help out/ get so much permission from them before I do cares or b'feed. I'm praying we see a big jump once they are both 'open' to me. Moth has been having more cuddles because he's been 'out' for a while now. The difference half a pound in weight makes is quite phenomenal.

Tech - their ears are soft and squidgy!
Ruth - I think they will wait to send them home together insha'Allah. For infection control they won't let discharged babies back on the wards, so it's a logistical nightmare to have one in and one out.((
Gill - you're too wise to look at me!!!

I do have older children too who should get a mention!!! The girls are needing pulsatilla regularly.
Bird has had every illness she ever gets when sad/ distressed and if I leave her even a day without some pulsatilla something flares up .S
Panther is delicate but plodding on. I think she will struggle most once babies are home.
The boys grieved most to begin with, but more of their careand rhythms have been maintained, so now they seem mainly resigned to our circumstances. They are both doing beautiful written work and being generally creative. I'd like to do this with them.
Frog is very cuddly and kissy. So as long as he gets his fill of that he seems well.
Tiger is a bit agitated, but so long as he gets to his little farm a few times a week he is relatively fulfilled and focused. They are both settled at their after school club, and after being declared a 'freak' by some of the boys initially, ( he flaps and pretends to be a bird of prey quite frequently .D ), Tiger is now hanging out with a few of those same older boys right along with Frog. He's making his way in his own way. They hold counsels and forage for food etc...I think it took a punch or two to get respected though. LOL. and Aaagh!

The LA have contacted me about home ed status. Perfect timing, eh!

The Births

2008-10-21T23:33:00.000+02:00

It all kind of started at 27 weeks really. That's the week when I got a run of contractions and felt, uh oh, this is like what happens at the *end* of pregnancy! I was pretty accurate then when I told my mil that I thought it would be another 4/5 weeks.((

I did take the contractions as a cue to slow down a little, try to eat and drink better etc...but I also had four children to care for whose needs were not being met as well as they should have been. We tried school for the boys. It was worse for us all than having them home. They came back to home ed and we were focused on making it work better.

I plodded along in a lot of pain. Just sitting was painful. I feel like I need to remember how hard it was. How painful. My poor pelvic area was just hurting everywhere.

Contractions subsided greatly. Or maybe I just got used to them. I'm not actually sure. We do constantly adjust to 'normal' as pregnancy progresses without even realising it.

For 3/4 days before birthing I started clearing out. My body clearing out, but also drawing things to a close on the outside. I recognised 'nesting alert', but no other signs to say it was going to happen. I started thinking more '34 weeks and let them be well'. I thought I'd go to 34 weeks. I hoped.

The day before birth I went to a Nearly New sale of baby items. I found everything I needed: pushchairs, carseats, compact baby swing and a few other bits. I was contracting about every 5 minutes at the sale and feeling phased out, but once home I figured I could rest it out like I'd been doing for weeks now. I did some birth art that night and went to bed with mild but probably too regular 'braxton hicks'.

The next morning I woke to some strong sensations, but not so much more than I'd had for weeks. Still hoping it's okay...but when I went to the bathroom I saw a show. The red light that things were happening for real. BUT....it might stop!?! Oh, I knew it wasn't going to, but it felt scary to be so early still. I made a couple of calls and pottered about getting bags ready. It might still stop.

I phoned the delivery suite as is protocol. I didn't want to land on them as babies arrived with no notice. I asked if there was space in the NICU that day. My first actual acknowledgement of what was happening. I cried. It didn't sound like they had space. She's evasive.

Children were dropped off with Auntie and I went into hospital with husband. Suddenly I wasn't questioning if he should be there or not. I needed him to be there.

We were booked in and a consultant came to talk to me and do a scan to see position of babes. They had been transverse at the last scan. I was booked for another one tomorrow went through my mind not a few times! It was explained to me what happens when a transverse lie is left during labour - all death talk. I know all this, but smile at him, he doesn't know that.

The scan showed an oblique breech and a breech. So is it a section or not? I don't labour very conventionally. I tend to have a veeery long latent stage, but then kick off very, very quickly at the end. Apparently it's not obvious from my external appearance whether or not I'm in labour. I'm never quite sure myself until baby is just about coming out ,D

They wanted to do an internal to see what could be felt as the presenting part that way. I had a lovely midwife who was so gentle masha'Allah. She could only feel spine, but was shocked to find me at 4-5 cms and her hand got stuck with a contraction that she declared 'very strong'.))

Oh nooo. It's going to be a section. Please God, no. How am I going to cope with everything afterwards. How are the babies going to cope with that entrance to the world. Please make it a vaginal birth. Please.

She went out to discuss with the consultant and came back wanting to site a canula. I couldn't go with that at 4-5 cms. It would be saying yes to surgery for me, and there was still hope for movement. The boy had his spine to my cervix, so cord prolapse was not likely, and my sacs tend not to break easily. First two children's had been broken by attending midwives and fourth baby had arrived in the caul. I'd also been eating sac strengthening foods all pregnancy.

I got onto all fours at this point to take all pressure off the cervix and give us some time and space to move my sweet baby. I took pulsatilla 200c too and PRAYED intensely to have some movement before making a decision...

Contractions really started picking up now and very soon I asked for another internal. I didn't want to be fully dilated with only spine. That would have been a conclusive section. I'm swaying side to side and talking to baby. I'm praying like I've prayed before in times of utter need where I know that there is nothing. nothing I can do but put myself in His hands. I am a slave to the Divine. My body is just a means for the passage into the world of these two trusts from God. I surrender utterly over the coming minutes to throw myself down before Him in acknowledgement of His Majesty. All I can do is intend to look after them to the best of my ability Allah. I have nothing else.

I tell my friend and birth partner 'I need a miracle'. I'm weeping quietly; asking for a miracle.

The midwife lets me know we're 7-8 cms and she can feel some scrotum and spine. Baby is shifting. Thank you God. Thank you. I have hope. I pray a prayer that saved those before me. Everyone around me phases out. I'm in the sea of His Mercy and Generosity and the outcome is with Him, subhanahu wa ta'ala.

The special care people come and talk to me, but I don't remember much of this. I read about prem babies in the pregnancy. I know some of what lies ahead - in theory. I tell them 'No Formula' and they must think I'm mad. I go to the toilet then. It's close now, I need to empty my bladder and make way for you both. I walk to the bathroom and it feels exhilerating to be actively up and opening, welcoming these babies 'this side'.

Next, when I'm back on all fours in the room, the registrar is coming in. He tells me he might be delivering my babies today. I like the look and sound of him. He's okay. I feel okay if it has to happen. I'm so, so scared to imagine the cutting though. Breathe deeply. It'll be okay. I ask him when we'll know if a breech trial is possible or a section is necessary? He says when the babies come out or not. It just sounds so bizarre, but I suddenly feel a surge of certainty that it's going to be okay. It's going to work out. Almost with my next breath I know the babies are on their way and I bellow 'they're coming out'.......everyone dashes about as my son descends fast and entirely in the caul. A midwife calls 'get her to theatre'. Someone is placing the canula and it distracts me with the pain. I'm screaming 'it hurts, it hurts'! I don't want them to think the baby coming out hurts. It's my hand hurting soo much. Eugh. I see a lot of blood from my hand. I feel so much pressure and then it splashes and I don't know if it's one baby or both! I see between my legs that it's a baby...it's my baby. Oh, they cut his cord. The woman is saying it shouldn't hurt anymore. It's all taped down and blood everywhere but it's so, so much pain in my hand.

Now they are telling me to turn over so they can scan for the other baby's position. I can't move. Oh God, please make this one come easily. Please make them okay. Aaagh. The pain in my hand is taking me away from them. I get a surge of contraction again and my daughter has begun her descent. I can't make out the sensations very easily, but she's coming down. A splash. A pause. Oh God, please make me open and release her gently. Her head then descends and she's out and away from me. They cut the cords. I weep.

My babies are away from me. The placenta comes away and is gone too. I realise that it could have been a problem if it hadn't left me so easily. They are getting the synto ready. 'Noooo, no syntometrine. I don't want it'. What stupid fights we have to have. There is conversation about me bleeding, but the registrar is saying it's okay. Thank you God. I like this man! He is telling them I'm not bleeding heavily at all. To just write down that I refused the synto. Thank you man!! A calm voice in the midst of lots of panic. A midwife says 'doesn't she want us to save her life' - I want to say something but there is so much going on. I haven't seen most of the births - it's been in audio and my minds eye as my back was to everybody. But words came to me clearly. If she thought I wouldn't hear, she was wrong.

My midwife is taking the canula out. It was a trainee who put it in and she went right through and back again. It's a bloody, bloody mess. My hand will be swollen for well over two weeks, and it will be a constant reminder of what my babies are having done to them through that time in the NICU.

I hold my daughter close, but she starts grunting. My heart. I am waiting to hold my son too - to have them together. But he is already gone. My daughter is taken too. Away. The births are forgotten as I'm left alone with my husband and friend. They are told they cannot go with the babies. It's 40 minutes before we get any feedback and I know that they are relatively okay.

and the NICU, gut-wrenching heartache, has only just begun....

Together again...

2008-10-20T11:02:00.000+02:00

Last night I got them both in the Moby together. There could not have been a better moment; except if it was at home .D
Moth grabbed Butterfly's finger and they settled and slept sooo peacefully masha'Allah. I loved feeling their weight go up and down on my chest wih my breaths.

I wonder if their early births will make me appreciate every moment.
Take nothing for granted.

Picture post of the last two weeks.

2008-10-19T18:02:00.000+02:00

A glimpse of the house as it stands. Couldn't show you upstairs at all.
It's chronic now.

one gorgeous baby

another gorgeous baby

the hospital pump. horrid! it looks and sounds like a museum piece!!
(I'm using a medela swing pump at home, Tech, which I love even more than the symphony I used in the upstairs bit of hospital.
As much as you can ever 'love' a pump that is. LOL)

And here is the birth art I did late in the night before giving birth the next day:

I was still in a tizz about the possibility of a section, but as I pondered it this image came to my mind. Always rainbows! It's about balance, light, hope, peace, tranquility, power, clarity, strength, connectedness and so much more. My children's births were all of these things. Every one of them in a special way.

Love. It. !!!

2008-10-19T17:51:00.000+02:00

How perfect is this:

I am a follower of the Wingin'It Parenting Philosophy (WIP). It's main principle is creating the illusion of having it all together while looking good. I'm raising 4 happy, secure, somewhat attached children, hopefully with minimum psychological damage from my parenting choices.

Click the words to see who wrote it. Go mama, go! You have given me a new definition of my life .D

Two weeks on....

2008-10-19T17:05:00.000+02:00

It's flying by and dragging on an eternity. I'm in a time warp. Really.

Both babies had a couple of b'feeds yesterday. One for Moth with no top up .))
Butterfly was desatting quite a bit, but I think it was positional - she looked uncomfy in her incubator after they put a new padding piece in. I did keep mentioning it!!! Anyway, they were still fleeting and self correcting, and today her nurse made her up a cot - but she is only weighing in at 3lbs7oz, so she decided to wait till next week. I'm fine with that. Let her save her energy for growing insha'Allah. I'm expressing some bits of hindmilk only now and will be asking the nurses to give to Butterfly as a priority to see if her weight will boost by Wednesday...she stopped her caffeine today too to see how it goes for the next 24 hours. If she does okay, then they are both there just to grow now and for needing NG feeding.

It's so near and so far.

We're waiting for an annexe room to become available and then I'll have them both alone in one place with a bit more peace and quiet insha'Allah. Did use my Mobywrap to hold Moth the other day. Can't wait to try them both in it together insha'Allah - but will be easier when I'm not being watched so closely iykwim. Some nurses humour my slightly different ways and ideas, but others are like 'are you going to put baby down now' !?! it's awful being told what to do with one's own babes./

The big four are all doing rounds of sickness - fevers after nightfall mainly, but have all been sick .S
It's been going on since before babies arrived. They have a good, healthy stint and then seem to fall poorly again.

I want to get my birth account written up. Did it once, but lost it before saving in a forum panel. Sigh. Should have done it at the blog. Oh well.

THANK YOU for all comments btw. I'm so sorry I'm not replying, but please know each one is a special gift. Truly special.

2008-10-17T16:40:00.000+02:00

After a total breakdown yesterday morning when I was feeling like they're not my babies, I have no say, I should just formula feed etc etc......Moth has now had his canula removed again and is back in the open crib, off the phototherapy and in his own clothes. He breastfed again today sufficiently to warrant a lower NGfeed at his next 'slot'. Butterfly is still veeeery sleeepy though, but she made the most of lapping up a let down and had Mummy milk in her tummy by mouth .)) but she is still growing in the incubator environment.

There was a new baby in today who looks mature, but is grunting for breath. It's heartbreaking to hear them. I remember the first day listening to my two either side of me gasping and not knowing how long it would last.
Moth was ventilated in the end whereas Butterfly coped with CPAP.

I got lots of cuddles today and held them together again yesterday. Bliss!!!
They are looking so similar it's scary. Butterfly is just a smaller, slightly more dainty variation on the theme of Daddy clone. Another two looking like Daddy!
Hey, they've got my genes there somewhere, no!?
Butterfly also seems slightly fairer than Moth. She's a little acrobat and he is rather mellow atm.
Wonder how they'll grow.

I was told they can share a crib once Butterfly is strong enough to maintain her temp. That is reassuring to me because I hate them to be apart. I was stressing they'll not remember each other, but a nurse pointed out that even adult twins separated at birth remember each other/ have similarities etc etc....their bond is there even without physical proximity.

And of course, the NICU is *just* the place you have nothing better to do than explain that home ed is legal, no the LA does not have to be informed, no it doesn't have to be timetabled, yes I am coping with it fine thanks, etc etc etc

I need to do a printout to hand round. ROFLOL. We're certainly proving to be a good curiosity to the staff. Shrug. Sigh.

Miracles II

2008-10-16T21:25:00.000+02:00

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Welcome babies...

2008-10-16T07:45:00.000+02:00

A bit out of order post wise, but babies arrived at 32 weeks gestation. Moth weighed 3lbs 13oz and Butterfly followed weighing 3lbs 6oz. Boy and then girl. Breech/ breech. Moth was born in the caul and Butterfly's broke as her body/ legs unfolded. The final bit of labour was very quick; about an hour and twenty minutes. They were both born with me on all fours. Butterfly seems to frequently try and adopt this position in her incubator!

I will try to do regular blog updates now as I need to try and process the ups and downs somewhere.

Miracles

2008-10-16T07:40:00.000+02:00

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see."

C. S. Lewis

Moth doesn't have NEC, they have ruled it out and now think it was because his tube was too low down. I feel so tired.

2008-10-15T23:18:00.000+02:00

How amazing to read my last post. I do sound like someone about to go into labour, don't I! but I was kinda hanging on to the thought of 34 weeks at least.(

Also, what a horrid 'ticker' reminder in my side bar that I'd still be in my 33rd week of pregnancy. It's weird how something smacks into me like that when I'm not expecting it.

Like walking into the NICU and finding an IV line sited in my son's body again. They are checking for NEC this evening as he had bile in his milk when they drew some up to check his tube position. It looks like the tube was just too far in, (so the bile came from where it should be rather than his tummy where it shouldn't)...BUT....we have to wait and see.

I feel sick of all this. It's too much, too hard, too painful. A good day becomes a bad day in the space of an hour. I just want them home.

More YouTube fix .S

2008-10-03T14:27:00.000+02:00

Ya Imam al Rusli

2008-10-03T11:59:00.000+02:00

I love this qasida. Enjoy!

Back to the belly - 32 weeks.

2008-10-03T11:07:00.001+02:00

Very uncomfortable again atm. I think they must have growth spurts/ move to different positions and at those times it all feels out of balance again and none too comfy. I'm at the distractable point in preg. when I don't want to talk to anyone much/ interact/ have any around, ( children!), and go into hibernation. It is just about the time to go on a nice retreat where all food is cooked and nourishing and you can wander a beautiful garden/ forest at leisure whilst chatting to babies and dreaming of the perfect birth.

Instead I'm surrounded by stuff to do; dust to wipe away, food to cook, laundry to organise, beds to make, lessons to teach, places to go out to, NOISE NOISE NOISE and murmurs ALL DAY LONG from the people I live with etc etc......not pre natal bliss for me. Eugh. Pile of paperwork to sort too, husband to manage without going totally sour, on and on.....

This is all intermixed with moments of tranquility, but they are not the main./

My bump seems to have dropped, but I can still feel a head at the top I think. God knows how they are lying now. We have a scan booked for Monday so consultant can tell me more horrible stuff that makes homebirth a Really Bad Idea. I'm swinging between wanting it all over now and feeling that just 4 more weeks will take us to a possible homebirth - something that may be worth waiting for.

Cursive summary.

2008-09-30T09:30:00.001+02:00

Just as it says:

cursive summary.

Tiger likes this way of writing very, very much.

Hencam and home ed.

2008-09-30T06:55:00.001+02:00

Something for the boys to watch in place of their real live chickens, presently witheld by awful, wicked mother ,)

Hencam.

Lambwatch.

I've been reading my Christopherus stuff again and find it so uplifting. The more routine structure is going okay. It's still, if I'm honest, fairly spontaneous and around other important things we do during the day such as eating, (hehe. almost eid!!) prayers and dhikr, outings and so on, but I have more focus on the direction I want to take them in with some of their learning and am insisting that certain learning opportunities get covered.

I found with the school experience that I was really ashamed to see how far behind they are with reading and maths. I'm not overly berating myself for this, but do feel strongly that I should have taken it up as an issue a year ago. I felt very, very uncomfortable with the school taking responsibility for learning that I could just as well, ( better for the more frequent one to one nature of home ed), get them 'up to scratch' on. Its given me some more questions regarding the RU philosophy and TCS. Does there lie at the centre of that the belief that children do not need to read/ do maths/ do ANYTHING to any particular level unless the child initiates such learning themselves?

See, I believe that literacy and numeracy as postulated and enforced by the National Curriculum is not always necessary, but I also believe there are windows for optimal learning of certain concepts too. If a child is totally resistant to such a window, then can it be doing a disservice to them to not STRONGLY encourage such exploration to occur? After some 'sit down and do this now' type talk here in the last weeks, I've found they are loving some of the learning they were totally deriding before.

I do take my children and their needs/ concerns/ likes and dislikes seriously. I also need mine to be taken seriously. This whole whirl is relevant to a pile of parenting/ living alongside my children issues. I'm trying to see where my childhood has influenced how I've gone about my own parenting and marriage, ( have been aware of this for years, but have been pretty much unable to change any dynamics until this point), and trying to see where I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater, as they say.

Seeking a new equilibrium that is true to the needs of our immediate family unit.

FUNNY!!!

2008-09-28T18:13:00.000+02:00

It's a baby not brain surgery.

moroccan blog

2008-09-27T18:36:00.000+02:00

Totally STUNNING and inspirational blog here:

itto's moroccan berber journal

masha'Allah!

Paper toys/ templates to print.

2008-09-22T10:12:00.000+02:00

thetoyma ker.com - see, I'm a printer addict now .D

Knock....

2008-09-16T23:37:00.000+02:00

Knock, and he’ll open the door.
Vanish, and he’ll make you shine like the sun.
Fall, and he’ll raise you to the heavens.
Become nothing, and he’ll turn you into everything.
[Rumi]